Advice Music

advice hiatus

2011-06-28T00:29:00.005-04:00

Dear Friends and Readers,

Advice Music is taking an unforeseen hiatus. I'm sorry I'm not presently able to deliver weekly advice-in-song-form to you, but I am hopeful that the season for advice-in-song-form will return again.

In lieu of this weekly entry, I hope you will check out my other music goings-on. I play shows in NYC on a regular basis. iTunes, Amazon, and CDBaby carry my music. We're also in the post-production stage of a new album, and I hope to tour in the near future. If you want to be on my mailing list, I want you to be on my mailing list, too!! Then I can give you the lowdown on things when they actually happen. (you can enter your email to the bottom left corner of this page, and please include your city and state in the subsequent form so I can email you only about locale-pertinent gigs and news).

There's a whole archive of these strange Advice Musics that started so capriciously in January 2010, made possible by your excellent questions. It's fitting because without your support and interest in this independent musician's music, I would just be singing at the wall. And that would be silly.

Thank you for watching, listening and enjoying!

- RZ

this week's advice: catch RZ live

2011-06-21T23:38:00.001-04:00

Hello, fair reader!

Well, there's no Advice Music this week. I know, right? Lame. And this time I actually do have questions to be answered. It's just that this is a busy season. There are many balls up in the air. If I could be more vague I would say, "Stuff is occurring."

This kind of vague nonsense is not helpful, though. Don't let me get away with that. In fact I'm tempted to write a whole fancy literary essay sometime about the evils of vague busyness. I'm sure I'd end up ripping off parts of it from other, better writers. But if I ever do it, I will present it in a series along with "the perils of inertia" and "the dangers of ambiguity," which will most certainly involve an extended metaphor about a murky garden and weeds and a minimal harvest and ghostly activity but I haven't figured it all out just yet.

So, the reason there's no advice this week? Here, I began to write the reason, but reading it was even more boring than first experiencing it. So I'll spare you. And I'll offer a picture of my cat instead. Conveniently, I do have some gigs coming up, so the busyness excuse becomes easier to claim, whether or not it's true. It also allows me this choice opportunity to promote my shows to you. "If you like me in Advice Music videos... you will also like me in concert." And until then, best. - RZ

vol. 79: sharing the city with the ex and his new family

2011-06-14T00:15:00.001-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I got divorced a couple of years ago, and it hurt, but it was not the end of the world. The Ex and I could still have beers once in a long while when I visited his city, several thousand miles away. But just this month he has moved back to my city, with a wife and soon a baby in tow, and it's a small enough place I know we'll meet.

I am a little heartsick to think of meeting the first time by accident, and the awkwardness for our mutual acquaintances is already acute. But I don't know if it's rude to be proactive, propose we all meet up, get them a "welcome to town" gift, or if it would be better to just lie low and try not to bother them -- and hope they don't bother me. I have no idea what tone to set. I want it to be a positive one, but I don't exactly want to start any sort of new relationship with them. If I get them a small gift as a token of goodwill, I wouldn't want it to be something that will sit around their house or remind them of me. What should I do to be just-friendly-enough but not-too-friendly and breach the awkward?

- Suddenly Sharing Her City
--

{Lyrics}...

It ended, and though you thought you had some space
You did, and you took it for granted, as anyone would do.
Goes without mention, the awfulness of this break
The loss was great though it cut a certain tension.

Young love–that turns itself off and away
To find a more suiting spot
To right the first wrong, to recover a whole heart–
It keeps hurting, till it finds, not one, but two new lives.
Broken, that's its price.

Now you see him, and you don't want to cause or feel duress
For or from a burgeoning family while you cannot help
But think, just a bit (though you're at peace it ended)
This is an alternate happy ending playing out before your eyes.

Your only obligation: to be kind when you see them.
Forfeited was this place of needing to vocalize the deeper reasons.
Thus, you don't have to be their welcome wagon.
Space, all need; space, all give; that is your gift.
And one day there may be a shift. - RZ

vol. 78: childhood dishonesty in the days of NES

2011-06-07T08:48:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

Years ago a friend of a friend had his copy of the classic video game "Contra" "permanently borrowed" from another kid. Is it too late to redress this karmic oversight? And what advice do you have for the kid who decided the best course of action was to steal a friend's videogame?

-The Contra Guy in the Red Pants
--

{Lyrics}...

If I had the tools to mimic
Contra video game music
Gotta bet I would do it
But all I’ve got is Mario Bros

So then should I switch my focus
To your busybody status
Friend of a friend, in the 80s?
Dude you must be short on woes

But since you have brought it up
A ‘permanent borrow’ is a dis
It’s a special form of stealing
Once one thinks, “He’ll never miss this”

But to take a lighter tack
Kids can make some stupid gaffes
Let’s relax and figure that:
Contra-stealing kid-now-man

Regrets this bit of past
And maybe even misplaced or broke his pal’s game
Before ever conquering Red Falcon
And then felt really guilty and somehow compelled to lie. Poor guy.
Since living with one’s own deceit is its own punishment. -RZ

vol. 77: weighing the good steady pay against the artist's way

2011-05-31T08:40:00.001-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I have some literary and musical projects I would like to realize. My day job is typically time and energy consuming, and I'm not getting the stuff done. If I stay in the job I have, I can most likely retire pretty early, with sufficient funds to be my own patron. Assuming a normal life span I could expect probably a solid twenty maybe as many as thirty years to work on my own stuff full time. My inclination, however, is to leave my current job and reduce the requirements of my day job as much as possible as soon as possible, and assume that I probably won't ever retire from paying work, but then probably i'd be able to start spending more time and energy on the projects earlier, maybe five or ten years earlier. Thoughts?

- J.S.
--

{Lyrics}...

If I’d left school with a more bankable degree
(Not that the world doesn’t need theatre, and theology)
I could have gone straight to Wall Street or wherever that is people make
This thing called, ‘a sizeable take.’

If I’d not wanted so much to pursue
A career in pop music and performance, where youth, too,
Is a factor in the how much you find you might get to do –
If these two things were true, then I might be you.

Cuz, see, sir, making a living’s a good thing
And sounds like the creativity churning in you
Is not as much connected with needing to get all out when you’re twenty (or thirty)-two.

So if you think you can become your own benefactor
In just 15 years – and THEN become a seasoned actor (or writer, or musician) –
Well, that sounds like a great deal to me,
Versus struggling and ‘starving’ unneccesarily -

But only if you find that this deal makes you like your current sitch,
And aren’t just ticking off the days and years till you can scratch your itch.
(I know that that itch can be strong, and I know the artist’s road is long.)

And while American Idol does have its age cutoff
(--Just so as not to end negatively--)
No one’s ever too old to create a successful,
Masterwork of artistry. - RZ

vol. 76: the post-college social slump

2011-05-24T11:16:00.001-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I need some advice. I’ve left university, moved back home and have a great job. When there is no college to fill your days up with flurries of essay-writing-lecture-attending activity and no pool of people in the same boat to be friends with the rest of the time- how do you make friends?! Where do you find them? How can I get through my 20s and think at the end of it that it was a decade I was glad to have?

Yours,
Waiting for my rocket to come
--

{Lyrics}...

When college ends, you realize
That though you’re capable with much to give
Your peers don’t listen the way they did
Back when you ate every meal with them

When college ends, you realize
That though 6 page papers got cinchy
And you lived on less sleep than Da Vinci
You could do it because all your friends did it, too

And in your shared procrastinations
You marked your best times and your fondest revelations

When college ends, you realize
It actually costs legal tender to live one’s life
Food, clothes and shelter do not come free
Why didn’t anyone tell me?

But friendships can still be easy
And by that I mean as easy as adulthood is (ie, not easy, but doable)
First get plugged into a community at your work, via hobbies, in a place of worship

Give it a year – and if you still have trouble
Finding great new pals, outside of the bubble-
Don’t hold back, since there’s no stickler rule
Just return to the nest: apply for grad school. – RZ

vol 75: when your cats are out of control

2011-05-17T22:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Advice Music,

I recently adopted a second cat and now the two of my cats (Sapphron and Templeton) are out of control together and have been terrorizing my small NY apartment. I feel terrible about having any regrets about adopting the second one and need some advice on how to get my little rascals under control.

Sincerely,

23-Year-Old Cat Lady

{Lyrics}...

Midnight, not a sound in the darkness

Have your cats lost their memory

Of the trouble they cause

Wait now - oh yes that's them - just yawning awake –

Primed for hijinx to begin

Skitter, hither, across the kitchen floor

Hiss, meow and purr, now you hear a creaking door

Something's on your desk, lamp is tumbling over

Fur in the air, the feathers are knocked over

Leaping to your dresser, now they’re burrowing

In your open sock drawer – I mean I guess that’s sort of cute

But not for long - how did they get to your highest bookshelf?

Free-falling, yelping to the floor, and

– Thud –

Now the downstairs neighbor is

Yelling, What are you doing? Cut out the racket –

He doesn’t know it’s your little devils doing the undoing

You are clearly losing.

I have a cat - he’s a gentle simpleton
Lies around like a furry, gigantic mitten

Rarely lifts a paw unless to get fed, get petted
Or to cash out on my bed, and take up ¾ of the space

But I love him and alas, he’s nearing 5 or 6 years old

A mellowed out, middle-age fluffball

Just wait. I say, get some earplugs and stow away expensive trinkets and wait.
My sources indicate that kittens mellow out, and in a year, you should be in the clear…and then this big headache will be but a

Memory

Like your favorite things they destroyed

Or an Andrew Lloyd Webber show

That had its heyday. - RZ (and ALW)

vol. 74: when you don't know what "team" your crush plays for

2011-05-10T23:31:00.001-04:00

Dear Advice Music,

So what do you do if you have a mad crush on someone, but you're not sure of their sexual orientation? This person is practically perfect in every way... but might be gay. 

Thanks!

-Wondering Which Team

{Lyrics}...

Though I’m sure you’re employing hyperbole,

Through the lens of mad crushing this is difficult to see

That no one is practically perfect – not even s/he

Regardless of being so lovely

And not responding to romance from you

Is a pretty big flaw in any prospective gal or beau

Gay or straight – it’s such a time waste

To pine for one who can’t reciprocate your desire

And can’t see your smoking hotness or rugged handsome face

(You gave me no pronouns to work with so I have to cover all my gender bases)

But which “not knowing” is worse – if s/he’s gay,

Or if s/he’s straight, but just not into you?

Your crush is obliquer than the average bear

Dang, what a fluffy, lovely, confusing bear.

I say just be bold, do some tactful asking.

As for which exact question – I leave it up to you

As for of whom, I leave it up to you

Based on what gives peace to him/her/all of you

The answer might make your life or your day, or might make you say, Okay, and

Put this person in their place in your heart at the end of the day.

Clarity’s not easy but it takes away the queasy feeling of uncertainty. And knowledge is power! - RZ

vol. 73: when starting a new job coincides with attempting to get pregnant

2011-05-03T22:48:00.003-04:00

Dear Advice Music,

My husband and I are ready to start trying for child #2.

The only problem is that I may be starting a new job in June. How long should we wait to get pregnant after I start a new job?

Thanks!

Working Mommy

{Lyrics}...

Rockabye, Baby #2 -- who's not even born, who's not even yet conceived in your mother's planful womb -- your parents want the best for you, but to not screw her company, too, for when they must deal with the arrival of

You, my dear, little idea of a child. Oh, you'll be loved alright, once mother knows you're definitely coming to the world to smile, to disrupt her workaday world -- it's been done before --

It’s called maternity leave

And it offers a reprieve.

No matter how high the glass ceiling gets

There's no separating baby from the mother who delights in it.

Your mom will work it all out with work

And if the company has a problem with it/you/her

I guess the worst they could do is fire her.

But that would be totally illegal. So don’t worry, little baby idea. - RZ

vol. 72: when life looks really bleak

2011-04-26T21:45:00.002-04:00

Dear Advice Music,

A bit of an odd question I suppose, but what advice would you give to someone who is quite pessimistic about the future? Not necessarily pessimistic about the world in general -- like that the Republicans are going to ruin the country, or that climate change is going to scuttle Copenhagen -- though I suppose there's a good bit of truth to both -- but a fairly certain conviction that one's own life is going to be a failure and end in despair?

- Doomed?

{Lyrics}...

There are a lot of reasons it makes more sense to stay in bed

Never mind the heart-bleedingest liberals or the right-wingiest Republicans

I’ve surely got a bad attitude some of the time

But barring a Brooklyn-based land mine just under our gas line -

I’m stuck with a hopeful feeling, persisting thing that tends to catch

Like a summer forest fire, laughter, or a sketchy looking rash

But now, how do I give that to you while you’re feeling immobile

Locked in, eyes down, sharpie-markering the futile?

You’ve tossed me a heavy but I’ll be so bold as to assert

Someone loves you

And you might be the best or the most hopeless wreck

But still, someone loves you

I know you have dreams and talents yet untapped

Regardless, someone loves you

And when you are down, it makes feel bad

Someone who loves you

Not that you ought to buck up for them

The ones who love you but

They could tell you, so could a therapist

better than I – there’s reason to love

Your life and get out from under

The slab that’s pinning you down

Did I mention someone loves you

And their love will always stick around

There is hope for your life, and deep down I think, hope, you believe it

If there wasn’t you wouldn’t be asking, you would not even be curious. - RZ

Dilemma? Ask anonymously or email advice@rachelzylstra.com

a mini FAQ

2011-04-19T14:04:00.000-04:00

--
Dear friends and followers of Advice Music,

There is no Advice Music this week. But here is a picture of my cat, in the sun, followed by an explanatory FAQ.

RZ's cat in the sun

Q: So why no advice music - are you just lazy?

A: Actually, I didn't have any questions to answer.

Q: What?

A: That's right - no one mired in any level of strife wrote me for help.

Q: Nice cat, but how can he possibly appease me? He looks like a fluffy blob. Is that his deal or just the lighting?

A: If you saw my cat in person, I assure you - his mere presence would appease you. Re: lighting or being a fluffy blob - a little from column A, a little from column B. I'm not much of a photographer.

Q: When will there be more advice music?

A: When YOU, representative person for the people, and other people, help me to help you by writing me for advice in song form.

Q: Oh fine. How does a person do that? (Come to think of it, I do have a dilemma that could use some insight, in song form.

A: I'm so glad you asked that question! I can answer it, and many more. Just drop a line to advice@rachelzylstra.com. I will keep your identity safe. Or if you'd rather go the TOTAL anonymous route, just ask me anything via my tumblr account.

- RZ
--

vol. 71: asking out an older girl

2011-04-12T22:54:00.002-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I recently met a girl. Although we only briefly talked, we connected in a way that I've never connected with anyone before. I'd like to get to know her better. Unfortunately I am nervous about asking her to a date because she is much older than me, about seven years. How do I go about courting an older girl? What does it take to hurtle the age difference?

- Old at Heart
--

{Lyrics}...

Younger guy, older girl– It’s been done; it can work and
Simply be unfazed that she
Vividly recalls finding books in the library
Via the old-fashioned card catalog

You’ll likely have differing opinions
About the cultural worth of The Simpsons
But that’s because its golden days
Happened before you could stay up past eight
While she lovingly recorded them all onto VHS tapes

That’s okay, but when you ask her on a date
Make it clear that it’s a date
“(Foxy lady,) to drinks and dinner you I’d like to take”
But please don’t phrase it like Yoda
I only did that for the rhyme
Guess I’m saying, don’t just say, “Let’s hang out sometime”
Because it’s immature and too many guys old and young get away with that in New York City

See it might be tough at first
For her to see you as her own ‘Gilbert Blythe’
As in from CBC’s Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea
(Don’t know what I’m talking about? Be a 30-something-chick magnet if you find out)

But older girls don’t always think to conspire
When they’re the object of a younger man’s desire
That is why you have to be bold and know you’re good
Worry not about being well-established
And focus on your ready assets
And by that I mean your sparkling personality, and so on!...

Hey if shared interests are there
With attraction and shared care
Seven years is not that bad.
First you must just go on and ask. - RZ

vol. 70: dude, I'm a lady; don't call me bro

2011-04-05T09:43:00.001-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

It drives me nuts when (usually male) friends refer to me with a word that has a male gender connotation. ("Cool story bro," or "Hey man," or "What's up, dude?") I'm sure they mean no harm, so I'm hesitant to make a thing out of it, but it is annoying. I'm a woman; I don't want to be seen as a bro. I'm not saying we should revert to the patronizing connotations of Sinatra-era female-specific terms ("Hey, doll," "What's the matter, sweetheart?") but I would like to be acknowledged as a woman, if there's going to be gender at all. Suggestions for how this female could respond next time she's given a male misnomer?

- Flustered Female
--

{Lyrics}...

“Oh, I couldn’t help but note you just called me bro
Man, I might be pants-wearing but they’re cut for childbearing hips
Dude, we’ve a lot of things in common, but you deal with some life stuff that I have no clue of
Let me just own I don’t have much testosterone
Meanwhile your head might spin at the dealings I find myself in
Again and again, outside and within, because I’m a woman.

“Bro, I’m so pro -equality and getting along.
But it makes me feel weepy and vulnerable that we’re getting our nicknames all wrong
But seriously, in your efforts to use language as another gender-leveler
We forget it's our differences that make us so very interesting to each other.
Pal, you can call me by my name, you can even call me sister
But I’ll never, ever be your brother.” - RZ

vol 69: malodorous co-worker blues

2011-03-29T00:35:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I work with a person who stinks. Not that he's a crummy guy, but he just straight up smells like the worst combination of cigarette smoke, homeless person, last night's kegger, and wilderness survivor. The problem is that whenever he walks by, or whenever you have to work closely with him, you get a whiff. Several months ago it was so bad that HR even talked to him, but this has done nothing to change his mysterious malodorous ways. As his manager, I'm loathe to confront him myself, yet doubtful another trip to HR or an inter-office memo will do anything for the olfactory atmosphere of our department. Is there a way to save him while saving ourselves?

- Waiting to Inhale
--

{Lyrics}...

You cannot save him - perhaps you could if he was holding his own nose
But this guy just does not fully realize
The skin-deep depth of his rankness or the dread it bestows.

HR’s intervention is a meeting perhaps he thinks he just dreamt
He may be bent against believing that this problem will not relent
Without his intentional efforts combined perhaps with a doctor’s advice

Deep down, you know it - the solution that waits to be sniffed and absorbed
Make another meeting – you, him and HR - and don’t turn away when he walks through the door

Tell him what you’ve told me but put it in business professional terms:
His body odor inhibits team progress; he needs to shower before he gets dressed
And to put to daily use an anti-perspirant!

Standards of hygiene affect all spheres of life.
If you get through to him, great! - just wait:
Someday he may silently thank you (and presumably, so will his wife). - RZ

vol. 68: your neighbors' Christmas lights are up... in March

2011-03-22T22:49:00.000-04:00

Dear Advice Music,

At the time of this writing, it is Ides of March...and our next door neighbors still turn on the Christmas lights on their house each night. It is driving us a bit crazy. Should we suck it up or kindly remind them of the change of seasons?

-Ready for Spring in Michigan

{Lyrics}...

Beware the Ides of March

If you’re a ruler in ancient Rome

That a bunch of people do not like

You might get killed

Beware the Ides of March

If you’re a person who still sports

Christmas lights hanging off your front porch

You might get a talking-to

If you’re the guy who starts up the idea

To assassinate the emperor

Or if you’re the guy who knocks on the door

To ask a request of your neighbor

Either/or, you must brace yourself for a real consequence

You might cause someone’s death or, at least, their annoyance

Beware the Ides of March

When an assassination is successful,

Someone should have a follow-up plan.

Beware the Ides of March

When you ask nicely for something

Sometimes you get it and sometimes you don’t. - RZ

vol. 67: where the nice girls are

2011-03-15T01:04:00.004-04:00

Advice Music needs some new questions in the queue! Email your anonymous dilemma to RZ at this address: advice(at)rachelzylstra.com

--
Dear Advice Music,

Everywhere I go I meet drama queens, gold diggers, and all other sorts of noise. Where do the nice girls hang out?

- That Guy
--

{Lyrics}...

At the library… sighing among stacks of books
In their parents’ homes… washing their hair on Saturday nights
At the soda fountain… on chaperoned dates
At PG movies, shoulders back and sitting up in front

At the baseball field… cheering on the boys
At the top of the bleachers… and never below
On seasonal trips to the shopping mall with their credit cards
(Which they pay off in full, by themselves, with their babysitting jobs)

These are nice girls - too nice, it seems, to touch - too nice to know - but I don’t even know what you’re really talking about –

When you say ‘nice girl,’ these are all I’ve got
It’s a strange old phrase, evoking plain cooked rice
Not sure where your imagination went
In your blanket spectrum assessment of eligible women

But get your eyes checked man, or stop going to Kanye’s clubs
Stop using Lindsay Lohan as your girl-measuring rod
Expand your thoughts about who’s worthy of your time
Ms. Right will elude you until you open your mind. - RZ

when a mini-manticore hinders your trash disposal routine

2011-03-08T08:47:00.002-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

There is a very small demonic manticore living in/on/around the u-trap under my sink (he has a little hammock). This is also where I keep my trash can, and considering his vicious disposition I haven't been able to empty the garbage for several days. I would appreciate any advice you could possibly afford that could expediate the rectification of my unfortunate situation.

-Usurped Sink Cabinet Owner
--

{Lyrics}...

So you’re living with a manticore
Lion-bodied with a human head
Persian legend that’ll tear to shreds
Extended fingers reaching for the trash – that’s cool.

Can’t just sneak him in a paper cup
And release him in the neighborhood
This hellraiser’s is not a field mouse
He will terrorize another’s house

But I wonder if a sticky trap
Versus a wood one with a metal spring clamp
Might do the trick to force his hand
And get him in submissive stance

Then you could present a treat
Like a morsel of uncooked red meat
And drop it in his mouth while paws are glued
Make him see you’re not a hostile dude
(And merely that you demand respect)

And finally, how about, refer
To this odd but strangely pertinent blurb
About taming mini-manticores (scroll down)
That I picked up on a Google search
Researching how on earth to answer your question.

-RZ

vol. 65: everything's coming up redless

2011-03-01T01:01:00.000-05:00

--
RZ,

Whenever I get really stressed I resume an ongoing mission to find the perfect shade of red lipstick. I check every new cosmetic store I visit and even recheck the old ones, but to no avail. I'm starting to think my perfect shade will forever be elusive...always too pink or orange. Le sigh. You're a fashionable girl and your advice has been helpful in the past. What should I do?

Redless
--

{Lyrics}...

Dusty crimson, cardinal, cinnamon, smoky ruby, burgundy, plum, 'ripe rasberry', wine, wild cherry, scarlet, coral, brick and rust, burnished apple, blushing taupe, shades of pink like fuschia, mauve. Have you tested these and more and none has your destiny in store?? That is nuts.

Well when you find you’re fully over crossing this red sea like Moses - when you think you’ve had enough of this search not coming up the right shade of roses - give it one big last ditch effort. Gloves off now: big-city department-store it. Park yourself at the brightest counter and let a bored beauty consultant linger over you two hours. Have her make you up in every reddish hue under the roof (whether it’s a couple dozen or one hundred eighty-two). If, after this epic session - you still cannot find THE ONE, buy some product anyway and thank the lady – now you’ve won. You’ve discovered you and red lips are a pair not meant to be. Now, to find a brand new epic stress-relieving search, you’re free.

-RZ

vol. 64: when you've totaled a borrowed car

2011-02-22T00:08:00.001-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I made a terrible mistake.

I have crashed a borrowed car, and it's been totaled. I was headed to a job interview, and even though the roads were admittedly icy, I felt like I needed to get there, anyway.

I feel especially bad, because this is their only car, and I've ruined their chances of being mobile (and, we don't live in a city with great public transportation). Although they are the most understanding people in the world (they still love me!), I don't know what I can do to make it up to them. Should I bake something?

What do you think?

-So Sorry in Columbus
--

{Lyrics}...

I have to agree, that’s a doozy
Feeling bad is a good first step.
Because so far, you’ve repaid friends’ kind naïveté
With a utility-castrated wreck.

Cookies will come off like crumbs
Even in appealing to dearest of friends
And even better, they love you, so call to mind the golden rule,
And challenge yourself to do right by them.

Your pockets may be light – that’s not the point
Do you know how well your friends are insured, or not?
Put on your brave face and get informed
Own up to the damage you’ve sadly wrought. Then:

Show them some money. Save if you must.
Don’t be content to have car-crashed their trust.
What if it ends up not tons to repay?
Or else it’s a sum that will stretch you.

Or maybe it’s a load that you can ever only pay back in part. But:
That part that you pay will show them in their heart
That true friendship graciousness travels both ways
And can be neither totaled, nor totaled.

-RZ

vol. 63: whether to biblically name the bun in the oven

2011-02-15T00:43:00.002-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

My spouse and I are expecting our first child, a boy, and we are in the process of selecting a name. My problem is that my spouse is primarily drawn to obscure Old Testament names. Somehow, I can't imagine that it would be much fun going through life with a name like Hezekiah.

Signed,
Expecting Trouble
--

{Lyrics}...

Nebuchadnezzar could be nicknamed Neb
Mephibosheth could shorten up to Meph
Boaz, Uzziah (work well just like that)
Jumpin’ Jepthath, Jethro, Jehosephat!…

Love Shadrach, Meshach, Abednegno
All kickin’ names and you never know
Name him now ‘fore it’s scooped by Pitt and Jolie
If they adopt another baby
(- The albatross-esque turned to trendy -
Not that it matters in perpetuity.)

If it helps, remember
There’s a girl running around named for fruit
And her life is probably pretty good

But how about Achish, Baruch, Jehu?
Elimelech and Elihu
Enoch and Ephraim and Absalom
Belshazzar, Issachar or Gideon

So many names, such a wealth of weird
Origins great and at times disturbed
Thousands named Mike, Jon and Joshua
For every cool kid called, say, Methuselah
Maybe it’s one too many syllable
But don’t quite spit it out before you chew a little. -RZ

vol. 62: you don't like the person your brother is marrying

2011-02-08T00:48:00.000-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I do not like the girl my brother is about to marry. I get sad, picturing every future holiday and family event with her there. Any advice on surviving their wedding (I'm a bridesmaid!) and this family transition?

Muchas gracias,
Wishing for a Different Sort of Sister-to-Be
--

{Lyrics}...

Not sure how she strikes you – does she act like a jerk?
Does she treat your bro badly or avoid doing work?
Or talk on end about herself and just not know when to quit?
Let’s assume it’s a case of “you just do not click”

More than surviving the day and surviving your gown
It might help to put some mind blinders on
For a moment forgive her her shortcomings
For a minute, recite all her positive things

It will start as a challenge and seem kind of fake
To pretend that you like her for your brother’s sake
But keeping thinking kind thoughts of her now and again
And real affection is bound to sneak in.

I know this task may seem just rather exhausting
And people are jacked up and life is accosting.
But if you can’t let go your S-I-L blues
You and your family are all gonna lose.

-RZ

vol. 61: how to encourage spouse's healthy habits without being a tool

2011-02-01T01:31:00.000-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I've been exercising and lifting weights regularly for the last few years and have lost a lot of weight. My wife wants to exercise and be healthier but ebbs and flows in her enthusiasm for doing so. When I encourage her she gets upset and feels like I don't like how she looks, and when I don't encourage her, she complains that she feels guilty that she's not exercising. How can I be supportive of my wife and encourage her to continue exercising to be healthy without coming across as a total jerkface?

Sincerely,
Mr. Trying-Not-To-Be-A-Jerkface
--

{Lyrics}...

It’s like answering the classic, “Do these jeans make me look fat?”
There is no quite perfect answer that will get you out of that,
Except for diplomatic apathy about the extra weight
Which you could exude so as to boost your marital state.

Try this - try not to indulge her in her back and forth mind
Remind her that you find her hot no matter what her size
Still when you are walking, or running or gymming – invite her along
But don’t let her keep you standing there as she waffles between two songs

“Okay my dear, but it’s time to go, so keep company with me or I’ll love ya back here in an hour” ☺
Always be kind but do not water her anxious ruminations until they flower.
Day in, day out, just do your fit thing – actions speak steadily –
Only maybe some day, her mind will click, “Hey!” and she’ll hop on the healthy train with you, readily.

-RZ

vol. 60: securing sympathy for sickness

2011-01-25T09:45:00.000-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

You know how sometimes when you're sick, it's kind of obvious - you're throwing up or hacking away - or better yet, you've got tubes stuck into you? Such great sympathy-getters, those tubes! Well, what if you're ill on the inside but look A-OK? How can you let people know you need sympathy (or a train seat? Or aren't just playing hooky from work?)? Will people really get just how horrible you feel if all you say is, "I'm sick today?" Please advise.

- Illternally
--

[Lyrics}...

Sometimes there are tubes on the outside
Sometimes there’s life support on the inside.
Sometimes it’s hard to breathe freely in every way at once
I do not recommend this level of discomfort for anyone.

But along the lines of garnering our sympathy
You’ve got license to share with friends and family who care of your ill story
But don’t give in to dwelling inside your misery
That is not a home. That is just a crappy tent.
That is not your home. That is just a makeshift, shabby tent.

Sometimes you’re sick on the inside
Sometimes you’re sick on the outside.
Sometimes you’re sick and people around you don’t know
But don’t despair... we have all been there, no?

-RZ

no AM today

2011-01-18T09:38:00.000-05:00

Advice Music is on hiatus this week. Please check back in next Tuesday for the newest installment! Thank you for watching/reading/writing. - RZ

vol. 59: when your neighbor loves weeds and obviously wants your garden to fail

2011-01-11T01:39:00.000-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

Last summer I started a flower garden on the side of my house. The flowers are planted in a narrow strip between our house and a grassy lot owned by our next door neighbor, whose house sits on the other side of the grassy lot. My flowers didn't have a stellar first season, but I have a vision. I'm cultivating a gardening hobby, with plans to raise my own little plants inside over the winter. It's a new interest for me, and I'm really excited about it.

Imagine my disappointment when I observed my neighbor pounding posts along his property line this week. He is building a privacy fence along my garden. My flowers, purposely planted in the sunniest spot I have, will be blocked from natural light and he will render that little part of our property totally useless. I'm also annoyed that I put costly perennials in there last summer, a variety which are finicky to being moved. My frustration is compounded by the 5 feet high weed field he's growing in the back of his property which threaten both our backyard grass and vegetable garden, which I have been so kind as to not report to the municipality. I'm trying to move out of this grumbly stage and do something helpful with my anger. What should I do?

- Disappointed and Grumpy in the Midwest
--

{Lyrics}...

You may not like me for saying this, but I’m a little stuck on the fact that you’re next to a forest-like weed field that your anti-social neighbor keeps out back, and he’s just gone ruining your little flowerbed by putting up a badass perimeter wood fence.

You may be living next to old man Smithers or someone’s uncle, shady Stu. You may be living next to middle-class version Monty Burns or Howard Hughes. You may be living next to someone whose about to be exposed on Hoarding on TLC - and you’re asking me how to channel your anger? - Despite the gift of a goldmine of a character? - Just wait to you see his haunted airplane hanger.

First, just replant your flowers elsewhere or give them to a friend with backyard sun. Then sit in the sinister shade of your neighbor’s porch and let your creative juices run. Write the great American novel using him as your antagonist, and when it’s a published success, you know who will profit from this? - Not him, not Crazy McPrivate with his precious wood post fence.

Then you can afford some new perennials or a new house, too. And hopefully you’ll also get a mysterious neighbor about which you can write novel #2. - RZ

(This totally does not address the fact that you say you are a gardener, and say nothing about being a writer. But, I don't doubt you could write a novel.)

vol. 58: when fame and fortune are imminent

2011-01-04T01:51:00.004-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

My friends and I are about to go from "nobodies in New York" to "famous people from TV." How does one start to prepare for imminent stardom?

Best,
Team 30/2010 *
--

{Lyrics}...

Pack your things; sublet your apartment. Find out how to airmail your pets. Don’t overtweet like sharing your breakfast; become your own best publicists.

Rent U-Haul and move to the West Coast. Schmooze with agents; hang with producers. Audition with scenes both funny and tear-jerking - they buy you - suddenly you’re working.

Let them come - the make-up and hair folks - do you up like early aughts J-Lo. And to big business, you’ll be hard-pressed to say no... 'cause you’ll get free stuff once you’re earning big dough.

Flash your smile for every camera; stand in front of step and repeats. Emmy noms and endorsements will follow - so will papa, papa, paparazzi

Go to brunch with your new friend Ellen. Join her and Portia at wine tasting events.* Tip your heads and revel in fortune. Everyone allotted a portion?

But for goodness’ sake: say no to drugs; in your speeches, thank your closest loved ones; try not to get married more than once;* and remember, you are still a wretched bunch (you’re one of us)

Good luck then! Go take on your destiny. Choose with care between fame and infamy. Use it well, and give back like Buffet. Success can be swell when you know what you do about it. - RZ

vol. 57: dealing with the passage of time

2010-12-28T01:03:00.000-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

Do you have a problem with our pacing or general offerings? Are you going to get all reflective on us now since we’re in transition? K just checking.

Sincerely,
Years That Go By
--

{Lyrics}...

2011, what will you bring?
If you don’t mind, I’m trying to see
All that will pass into history
Even before it happens to me

Year 2010, full of new life
Movies to new places and jobs that don’t bite
Or maybe same stations, or no jobs at all
We sink and we swim, we climb and we fall

Love birds got married, couples had kids
New friends were added, some friendships died
Kids got some older, as we all did
“A year like all others,” but differently tried

Good 2010 – but weren’t you a jerk?
Some people think you wanted to hurt them
Why so much sickness, why so much pain?
But maybe you’d answer, not more and not less
Than the years before or the years ahead

Well somehow still, I really believe
Life is a gift, that we have received
It’s very flawed, it’s very wide
Still there is love that we can live inside

2011, bring good advice
And further the hope that all good comes in time.

-RZ

vol. 56: naughty or nice?

2010-12-21T10:31:00.000-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I'm right in the middle. Too naughty for the nice girls, too nice for the naughty girls.

Please Help.

- Too Much “Too”
--

{Lyrics}...

Is it the naughty or the nice girls who are actually your vice?
In the middle of the spectrum spanning naughty up to nice
Are you an elf in Santa’s workshop or just a dude who needs advice?
Till I have more info I might have to say ‘no dice’

If you’re merely only trying to assess your place in life
Well then wait ‘til Christmas morning and go check the tree for signs
If St. Nick leaves you all you wanted or some dust, lint and dead mice
One will prove you’re naughty and the other you’ve been nice
Then pursue same girls accordingly until you change your stripes. -RZ

vol. 55: family holiday time times two?

2010-12-14T01:21:00.001-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

When dating someone, how does one decide whose house to go to for the holidays? I haven't had the holidays with my family in four years, and I am planning on spending the weekend with them next week, but how do I work in time with the boyfriend as well? His parents live a few hours away from mine. Help!

- Whose Home for the Holidays?
--

{Lyrics}...

You haven’t seen your own family on the holidays in four whole years
Seems to me you’ve got an answer sitting in your lap, licking your face right there
But, I guess it depends on how serious you and your boyfriend are -
Put this way: who are the people you’ll be seeing again another half decade from now?

Well, if it’s likely he’ll be part of your future-Christmases mix
It makes sense to take a day to go see his loved ones and him
It doesn’t even have to be on the 24th or the 25th (or 31st or 1st) - all holiday time with family is precious
Do the thing you can smile about when you’re looking back, in 2011. -RZ

vol. 54: crying in public

2010-12-07T13:51:00.002-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

Recently a friend and I have been going through similar breakup experiences. This has naturally led to unpredictable waves of emotion that could strike anywhere - riding in the subway, out on the street, sitting at the office or while while ordering bagels at Lenny's. While my friend has learned to embrace the tears and now gets some sort of perverse pleasure out of crying in public, I find myself wanting to crying to public but feeling too awkward about being seen by these people I know I'll never see again anyway to let it all out. Consequently I put a lot of energy into holding it in until I get home, but without fail, when I get home and all I want to do is purge my tears, I somehow come up dry every time.

How do I decide if I should I embrace the satisfaction of a good cry, even if it means the discomfort of airing my angst in public, or if I should keep it all in until I have privacy at the risk of stifling tears that need crying?

Sincerely,
Misty-eyed in Manhattan
--

{Lyrics}...

You gotta be able to cry
Even when you’re in Union Square
Surrounded by a bunch of holiday shoppers
Busied with their crafty Christmas cheer

You gotta be able to cry
Even when you’re in Central Park
Surrounded by drunken rowdy Santas
Who may or may not see you turning on the water works

But they’re not gonna judge you
They’re too busy shopping, or drinking
And even if they see you
In your torn up state and weeping

The worst they can do
Is ask you if you’re OK
And you can tell them you are, or you’re not
And they’ll let you be either one, anyway

In a city of 8 million people
We barely get two minutes on our own
Our struggles are laid bare to others
Even when we feel we’re alone

But isn’t that a beauty
Of living in community
Even when it’s anonymous and wide
Cry, cry, cry in public
Until those tears subside

-RZ

vol. 53: parenting the pantless

2010-11-30T09:34:00.002-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I often find myself speechless when my two-year-old pulls shenanigans. This morning I entered my sons’ room and there he was, naked in his crib! He had somehow unzipped his sleeper with reindeer footies, stripped it off, and tore off his "loaded" diaper. He covered the stinky diaper up with his blankie and just stood there smiling awaiting mommy's reaction. I was speechless.

In fact, I walked out of the room to compose myself and to get my husband, hoping he would have an appropriate reaction. I wanted to laugh. It was really quite funny. I was amazed by his accomplishment, but on the other hand I in no way wanted my son to think this was okay.

How do you suggest I react in future circumstances?

-Parenting the Pantless

--

{Lyrics}...

Kids, whatcha gonna do?

I don’t know; I don’t have kids -

Whatcha gonna do?

I don’t know quite how to be a whiz when they whiz - or more - and leave their diapers not even on the floor, but in their beds.

To think - this boy is your son! A marvel of love and puppydog tails, and snips and snails and pooping travails.

Kids - Whatcha gonna do?

I don’t know, but I’ve got a non-expert thought or two.

Maybe just laugh – secretly - and enlist your husband to help you give your little wise guy time-outs while you hide your guffaws from his eager little face.

Someday his good-humored testament won’t involve so much excrement.

Won’t that be joy? Meanwhile don’t hesitate to sometimes give yourself a break, and get some unsuspecting 9th grader to babysit your kids. They can always use the money! -RZ

vol. 52: too many family fests, too little time and rest

2010-11-23T01:36:00.000-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

With the holidays approaching, I have a family etiquette question for you.

I am the eldest child of parents who divorced in my adult years. A year and a half ago my father remarried. I have met a handful of step-relatives to varying degrees in the past couple years, pre- and post marriage.

My step-mother is social and very (extended) family-minded. I am an introvert and feel like I have limited social energy to give in general, and reaching out to meet a whole new step-family of new step-relatives in my 30s seems daunting and exhausting. (I should mention that I have over 30 biological first cousins already, many of which have been getting married and churning out offspring in the past 10 years and it is getting harder to keep up with their lives as we continue to grow as a family.) As new additional holiday parties approach and other extended step-family events are sure to populate the future, how should I respond to this whole new branch to the family tree? What is the expectation here?

Since I live out of state, I am only home two or so times a year. Thus far I have handled it that I have gone to manageable visits to step-grandparents with my nuclear family, step sister and step-mother if invited, but I have bowed out of larger step-family gatherings. Is that rude?

Help! I don’t want to offend in my new familial situation. Any advice?

-Scrooge-ish Brady Bunch-er
--

{Lyrics}...

When you have 16 waking hours per day
And a week or two, at most, of being home
And new branch grafted on your already redwood-sized family tree
It feels like sin to need two minutes alone,

Say nothing of the heart-to-heart you’ve probably
Given up on trying to get in with good ol’ cousin Joan or Auntie Sally.
And there’s the bonding you’ll have nary a moment to build
With stepmom’s daughter’s husband’s brother,
Slightly estranged out-of-towner, Phil.

If only you had more time
And a social-butterfly hat in hand
But this is not a 1970s sitcom
And you need not be Jan. (so put-upon…)

Only do what you can do
While giving at heart your best
There’s a fine line between self-destructing
And always saying Yes, yes, yes

Only be where you can be
To still have some time to retreat
So you can energize your mind and smile
For the family folks you meet

When you’re in their company
Be engaged (and merrily)
But don’t fear leaving when you just gotta jet
In order to afford yourself a sanity check

Only do what you can do
While giving your healthy best
There’s a fine line between self-destructing
And always saying Yes, yes, yes

Only party as much as you can party
To still have some time to retreat
So you can energize your mind and smile
For the family folks you meet. -RZ

vol. 51: whether or not to buy a car

2010-11-16T09:15:00.001-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

A few months ago I passed my driving test at age 22 and began saving my money to buy a car. As you can imagine I was initially excited at the prospect of owning one, but now I’ve begun to doubt.

The benefits of car ownership are clear: I’ll be able go places with ease, at times that suit me; I’ll be able to attend more social events around the city that are currently too much of a headache to reach via the bus (sadly Liverpool’s public transport isn’t as simple as NYC’s!). Having a car will give me independence.

But, the initial and long-term monetary cost, the toll on the environment, and my potential to become lazy and do less walking are all factors now giving me pause.

So, should I buy a car?

Yours,
Torn Motorist
--

{Lyrics}...

You’ve already listed the pros and cons (in the way of a real self-starter). And you’re British, which means as you spoke them out loud to yourself, it all sounded smarter.

So what I’ll do is sing back to you your reasons for buying or not. And hopefully then at the song’s little end you’ll be struck by a decisive thought.

Car pros: you know how to drive one; it’s fast and it’s freedom, and you won’t be deprived from going to maybe much cooler places and social events than you could have reached from “Train 4” or “Bus 10.”

Car cons: it’s pricey with the gas and the upkeep, and gives off exhaust fumes that muck up the air. You might become too dependent on wheels and forget that your legs are even there.

Did this help, restating your lists? Not yet, you say? Well, take a siesta. If when you wake, you’re still on the fence, never fear: just purchase a Vespa. -RZ

vol. 50: walls too thin in a house with a lone nightshifter

2010-11-09T01:35:00.000-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I have recently started working as a nurse on the night shift (7p-7a), which means when I'm working, I am usually sleeping from about 8a-4p. I've been sleeping great!-- that is, when my roommates aren't home. When they are, I am inevitably woken up by their talking and laughing (at 11, at 1, at 2). The walls in our house are very thin, so even if they aren't being really loud, it still carries into my room pretty well.

I've hesitated bringing it up so far, because some days I seem to sleep great, and others I seem to sleep poorly; as I've been analyzing/investigating it, I've realized it's usually only when one or none of them are home that I sleep uninterrupted. I need my sleep, but I can't really ask them to stop talking during the day. How do I go about asking them to be quieter without seeming really rude? I know it's a lot easier/natural for one of me to be quiet at 3am than for 3 of them to be quiet at 1pm. I've tried getting a white noise machine, and I'm afraid to use earplugs for fear that I'll sleep through my alarm. Help?

- A Lone Nightshifter
--

{Lyrics}...

I have two ideas for you.

Two ideas that should be put together.

Earplugs
Earplugs
Earplugs

(they work really well)

plus

A super loud alarm clock
Like a screaming monster out of hell

So there will be balance -
Good sleep, no oversleep, and reasonable roommate interactions -

with
Earplugs
Earplugs
Earplugs

(they work really well)

plus

A super loud alarm clock
Like a screaming monster out of hell.

-RZ

vol. 49: when you online-stalk, then get caught

2010-11-02T01:14:00.001-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I met a boy the other day and he seemed nice and interesting and nerdy in all the right ways. So of course, I did some creative searching to figure out his last name and then internet stalked him. Because it is the 21st century after all. However, I got caught! He's never said anything about it, but I know that he knows I'm a total internet creeper. Now when I see him, I'm all kinds of shy and awkward. What's a girl to do RZ?? What's a girl to do?

Love,
Google McQuickdraw
--

{Lyrics}...

Could the person who has never online-stalked a crush
Please stand up and tell us right off
Counsel all the junkies who have learned much too well
There’s a fine line between creeping and an outer ring of hell -

So this guy – he knows you clearly checked him out
You checked him nice and easy like a bag on JetBlue
The interwebs were there, and you had a first name
On which to build some sleuthing to help Cupid with his aim

Oh, how to resist Ghosts of Internet Past?
Espec’ when piecing histories of folks we think are rad
But cool and nerdy can tend to swing toward shy
So why not choose to think you’ve merely batted an e-eye?

If you see him here and again
Play it normal, be your charming self
Let it ride, let time go by
Your interest could develop into coffee and a slice of pie -

And if it unfolds after a few great dates
Into a sparkling story of shared passion and tastes
Your stalking will have been the comic start point of your graph
You’ll recall, clink your glasses, tip back your heads, and laugh.

- RZ

vol. 48: impatiently seeking spouse

2010-10-26T10:24:00.002-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I am a recent college graduate. Not only am I not married, but I'm not even dating! I know I might be young, but I was planning on being happily married by now, or at the very least in a serious relationship with marriage not far off. I've had a few relationships, one of which was pretty serious, but now I'm starting to fear that nobody will ever want to marry me and I'll be stuck in perpetual singlehood for all eternity. How do I get out of this dilemma and quickly get to the dream family that I've always wanted?

Love,
Unhappily Unmarried
--

{Lyrics}...

Dear, if I knew
What you were supposed to do
To get married at 22
I might have tried it, too

I might not have been the wiser
Had I brashly picked one young
Or if he had chosen me
Without really knowing my song

Now I’ve reached that age
In a fakey sort of winter
In grandma and grandpa’s day
I’d be the classic spinster

But the things that I have learned!
Perspective in the mirror
A clearer sense of self
And adventures every year

My own dreams pursued vs.
Family’s demanding range
And hope in anticipation
Of a life still bound to change.

You have tons of time
It’s no longer 1940.
Enjoy your opportunities; one day
They will be “part of Dad’s story.”

-RZ

vol. 47: crushing on the ones who are far away

2010-10-19T10:31:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I am a chronic crusher. I meet a guy, think he's hilarious, and I'm crushed. I smile when I think of him and wish that we lived in the same city (I almost never crush on a guy in my own town), then I resign to the fact that we live miles apart and I let go. This past weekend, I met a friend of my sister and I got hooked. He made me laugh almost harder than anyone else this year. I made him laugh, too, and we even sang a few songs together for the group. Combine that with his sweet eyes, brilliant smile, and obvious good head on his shoulders, I'd say he's perfect for me! Of course, I don't know much about him and he lives 600 miles away. Is that really two strikes? Is there room for my crush to grow into an actual relationship?

My sister advised me to friend him on Facebook, a suggestion at which I scowled. I did not feel like rushing it because yes, I generally feel like a Facebook friend request should come from people you would actually call on the phone and I'm not sure I would call him or that he would call me. On the other hand, I don't have his phone number and he doesn't have mine. So here's my assessment of what I do have: a crush, a sister, a car, two separate lives, and an evening of shared laughs and honest enjoyment. What should I do with these things? I don't want to be a chronic crusher any more.

--Moving Forward?
--

{Lyrics}...

Have you stopped to wonder why you fall hard for the most distant guys and hang all your pining ways on seedlings that lack local soil in which to grow (- though they do fuel tortured love-sick songs, and let’s face it, unattainable love makes a catchy singer-songwriter’s statement)?

‘Cause seriously, haven’t we all “penned a few melancholic songs” about the love who couldn’t see us now but somehow in his evolving way was to recognize that we’re the ones he wants (mm, syntax issue) – over miles of distance, differing maturities, changing personal landscapes and conquered insecurities – right? I mean, for real.

Anywho, be honest with yourself about the barriers that are real and the barriers that are made within the confines your mind. There are doors that will always be locked, and then there are windows long-standingly closed that we should crack when the weather wants in.

You just had an awesome time with this lad. FB was made for this exact type of thing (if you saw The Social Network you know what I mean). Without knowing where it’ll go, what have you to lose to let him know he’s being thought of by you? Crack the window… feel the air. Enjoy and don’t overthink subsequent communication. Also, renew your eyes for spotting gems in day’s distance and arm’s reach as much as what glints over yonder there.

-RZ

PS, for more advice on long distance love interests, see also AM vol 37 ☺

vol 46: confessionally confused in the wake of a disinvite

2010-10-12T09:40:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I teach at a medium sized liberal arts school in a medium sized mid-western city. We're a faith-based school, and recently the administration canceled a concert by a Canadian indie outfit amid concerns over the affiliation of the band's name with adult entertainment. I think you're probably aware of the situation. Unfortunately I think most readers of the AV Club and NY Times are aware of it as well. The entire incident has left me upset and confessionally confused. People get hurt by porn, that's certainly true. But who wouldn't want Neko Case on campus? What should I do?

- a confused Calvinist
--

{Lyrics}...

What you’re enduring are the normal pangs over paradoxes part and parcel to the tenets of your doctrine. But before I get too cryptic let’s refresh. It’s not The Barenaked Ladies who were slated in the flesh. Would they not be provocateurs in quite the fashion as The New (- not Stenographers, not Cartographers -) Pornographers we mention? Items of base titillation have been in publication not since Creation but since the embarkation of the Fall. But that’s not what these guys do, at all!

You already know good strokes of art sometimes hide in the corners, behind unlikely doors and under dingy floorboards, and some lazily written lines in songs about praising God can be as poisonous as cute but deadly dart frogs. And when these things are not as clear as saline – how often are they clear? Hard to say – we unravel obfuscation with the hope that it precedes a dawning day.

Sometimes our names make a little tougher this task – it’s a lesson in naming. When we purpose-fully misdirect and then retract that tack, it reminds us that our ironies are ironic even before we allot that designation. Human goodness, human badness – we’re fueled by both our demons and our best – we’re riddles wrapped in enigmas wrapped in vests.

This, compounded with our limited articulations – the pitfalls of connotations joined with culture-coded slang – means I can merely echo your confusion. But if faith seeking understanding is as far as we can get, then we’re on our way to finding something yet.
- RZ

NYT article
AV Club article
Calvin College press statement

vol. 45: it began in the kitchen and ended in the can

2010-10-05T09:14:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

One day, early in the summer, I awoke from a nap and walked downstairs to find a gorgeous girl standing in my kitchen. She asked me who I was. I told her my name and that I lived there. She told me her name and that she lived somewhere else…

A month later I was falling in love and was in the most amazing relationship of my life. Kitchen Girl was a friend of my roommate and had completely captivated my interest. She was absolutely gorgeous, funny, intelligent, she seemed to really liked me, and to top it all off well, I think I liked her a bit as well.

I was writing poetry again. My music was sounding better than it had in years!! I wasn’t sleeping. I just wanted this summer to last for as long as possible. You see, she was supposed to go back to school in the fall... in Georgia (I live on the north coast of Lake Erie). Not the worst thing as this gave us license to live fast and love free! Besides, we had talked about doing a long distance relationship, and we were confident we could make it work. This is not like me... I'm reserved and make decisions after careful analysis of situations - but this girl changed things! Our affair lasted about another three weeks - then the walls came down.

She had been engaged and told me it had ended about a month before I met her. It was a really traumatic experience for her, so I didn't really press the issue. Apparently, that wasn't true. Well, I shouldn't say that: the engaged part was very true but the ‘ended’ part... not so much. They had been talking the whole time. From what I gather they weren't on the best of terms (imagine that) - but still very much together.

Mid-August she dropped this on me, and before I could react she high-tailed it to Georgia. I think her wedding is next May, last I heard. I know it's my own fault... I was powerless, defenseless and broken really. Though I can't say I regret it either. My problem is not this situation or even this girl, rather the shape she left my heart in.

So this is my dilemma:

There is a new girl... she seems pretty cool. I like her! I met her at church, she leads worship for the youth. I'm now kinda getting the vibe she likes me too but everything seems like it was before. Oddly enough she even has the same name. I just don't know what's real and what's a show! I don't want to miss an amazing opportunity but I don't want to end up left out in the cold. I thought things were real with the girl I met in my kitchen.

Please advise in song or otherwise.

Thank you,
Anonymous North Coaster
--

{Lyrics}...

Is the way to a man’s heart through his stomach
Or just the subtle suggestion of this thought?
The girl who turned you sideways in your kitchen
Seasoned your perspective, cooked your heart

You were dazzled by her talent for boiling water
Her ease in switching burners hot to cold
But in the end, the meal simmered elsewhere
While you were left beside an empty stove

New Girl isn’t Kitchen Girl – remember
How you felt when KG loved and left
Take the wisdom grown from pain and hunger
And don’t too quickly expect chef’s worst or best

Get to know her like you’re in a Crockpot
Get good sleep and take things nice and slow
Whirlwinds are fun for about 30 seconds…
As a template for one’s love life, they often just blow. - RZ

vol. 44: insomnia

2010-09-28T10:21:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I have been suffering from sudden, incurable insomnia. The last 3 nights I've not gotten to sleep until 4am, 2am and 5am respectively. I work 9 to 5, and the lack of sleep is killing me. I have had periods of insomnia in the past, associated with stress and upcoming transition, both of which I am currently experiencing. Additionally, like everyone, I completely lose perspective late at night, and get extremely stressed out all other manner of things in my life, from relationships to religion to finances to career. Other than watching too much 24: Season 3, and contemplating, obsessively that "This is exactly how Fight Club started," what's a girl to do?

Sincerely,
Wide Awake
--

{Lyrics}...

I've been there; I've known that unwelcome neurosis
Or dosage of too much coffee or black tea
Takes the effect of making an enemy of your bed,
A cave of your haven and a rival of 2 AM.

First thing: stop thinking about the clock for Kiefer
Or just lying there fretting you'll go Tyler Durden
On all the world, alter ego going nuts, militarize, run amok
It's doing you no favors and knocking sleep waves from your brain.

Chill out, deep breath, light on, five steps
Kitchen, calm snack - I've heard cereal with milk is good for that
Read a chapter of a book, do a crossword, mindless fodder
Listen to music - Enya - do it.

For sleep, repeat... lulling repetition. Lulling repetition.
Lulling. lulling. lulling. lulling. lulling. lulling... (...) -RZ

vol. 43: sorting past from present, life from art, and true objects of desire

2010-09-21T15:03:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I want to tell someone that she did something deeply meaningful to me, but I'm afraid of screwing it up or dealing with the emotional consequences.

I'm just a regular guy who really doesn't think highly of himself. Many years ago a woman declared deep affection for me, completely surprising me. The situation had a great deal of significance for her, but I never really understood how she felt. I didn't understand until something I never could have imagined happened. Even now as I write this I can't believe this happened and I wonder if it was just a dream. It's so improbable that I doubt my memory of it.

This woman was a musician (she still is) and a couple years after she opened her heart to me, this woman released an album of songs that I thought were beautiful, catchy, funny, and poignant. It got a great response.

Fast forward a number of years after that album and I receive an email from this woman telling me she is going to play some songs that I might want to hear, because some of the songs were inspired by me. I was puzzled, wary even. I thought perhaps that she was playing some kind of joke on me. I thought they would be sort of catty, funny songs--ones she had written looking back on what a doofus I had been years ago. But I went to her performance.

This woman announced to the audience at the performance that she was going to play some songs about someone who was in the audience. Her friends who were there all turned to look at me. The rest of the audience caught the gist and regarded me as well. I felt guilty, because I'm just some flabby dude. I felt that she and her friends deserved to have some kind of Spaniard in a leather jacket there to embody her muse.

She proceeded to play some of the most heartbreaking and delightful songs from that first album of hers. The songs were voiced from a time when she was in the wild whirl of an immense passion. In the songs she was knotted by her doubts, but was emotionally brilliant enough to regard them with humor. I was taken aback. I was floored. Of all the people to write songs about, I had never imagined I could possibly be one.

Who can hear beautiful words sung about him and not in some way fall in love with the singer? It was an experience I will remember forever. It was not just an instruction in the psychology of romance. It was more than a revelation of a history I'd never really known. It blossomed in my heart a garden, a crop of wildflowers. These flowers are an understanding, a comprehension of the power of Art to turn the Other into the Known. That sounds abstract, but Art is my life as well. And when the rain of my tears and the sun of my thoughts fall, some falls on this patch of flora and I remember.

It'd be great if I could say this opened some kind of floodgate and following the night of that performance the woman and I had a passionate affair. But I covered my deep feelings that night. And after the show, she was very chill and we said what was really a piteously cursory goodbye, given the gravity of what has just transpired. But what can one say after such a gift? It's only now years after that performance that I even understand what happened.

I want to tell this woman how much that meant to me. In a way, she changed my life. But I really don't know that my feelings could ever match what she has felt for me.

How can I tell her she changed my life, without rekindling those feelings in her--feelings that I'm not prepared to deal with?

Sincerely,
Flattered Man Muse
--

{Lyrics}...

You are clearly a writer
Relishing phrases crafted finely;
Someone who weighs a word choice
As though an iron from 1890.

Is it really such a wonder
How to importune this lady
Of the bands she unloosed from your heart
When you learned she nursed an aching heart for you?

Back then you surely must’ve had a hunch
What you felt or didn’t feel – why you felt
Or didn’t feel for her, as such
So this may be a key to your question:
The emotion that has principally moved you
Is not for her but for the chronicle of her affection (for you)

Now, you don’t think you’re all that great
That’s good ‘cause folks who think they are the cat’s meow
Live in small worlds of their own making.

So don’t be down on your humanity;
Confidence is magic people love
When rooted in sincere humility.

But sir, the paradox therein lies…
Despite your lowly descriptors, you’re actually enchanted by
The you who inhabited her songs.
It really has little to do with her –
She is merely your messenger, the Artist.

So it goes, I believe she understands, and wishes you the very best
With hopes that, if you seek a better half, you find it -
Not in a song or a play
Nor in the mirror on days you think you look good
But in a fine woman you’ll love - more than Art,
More than self - very well
Without screens or buffers of drama and flowery words
And wishing wells.

-RZ

vol. 42: when you have no idea what your potential company will do

2010-09-14T09:17:00.001-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

My friend and I have decided to start our own company, but we are not sure what it does. We have spent most of our time brainstorming domain names for our website (it is a web driven company). The following names are taken: thing.com, thesockdrawer.com, thingbank.com (oddly all in Chinese), this.com, and what.com. Happily, these options are still open: enthusiasticsquirrel.com, farcel.com, and generalcustomizing.com.

We are so uncommitted to any particular service or product that we cannot even come up with a specific question for you. Any advice?

Sincerely,
Without Professional Identity (WPI) in the general NYC area
--

{Lyrics}...

You’ve given me so much and so little to work with all at once (but separately). I’m uncertain to what degree I might be completely positive that I might assist you (or afflict you).

But, if you listen closely – or else space out – while I sing you (type you) this song/answer, it’s possible but not likely or unlikely that what you glean or throw away will be of great value (minimum use) to the charted chaos (squirrel-revving [?]) you’re considering, however foolproof and faultily, to be the linchpin/appendix {needless organ} of your business plan.

So, I hope that helps! And harms – if that’s in fact or opinion what you really wanted/dreaded.

What did I even advise?

It’s in there, right?

Or left…

-RZ

vol. 41: avoiding late-night ice cream binges

2010-09-07T04:19:00.001-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

How can my partner and I avoid the tub of Cherry Garcia at 1am - when once person digs in the other follows? Not a good health regimen.

-Not Wanting to be a "Chubby Hubby," Hells Kitchen
--

{Lyrics}...

Now this might seem simplistic and it might seem Vanilla
It might seem Half Baked and it might seem a little Brittle:

Don't buy the ice cream or have it your house.

You could dump your Chunky Monkey honey, and blame him for weight gain
Or stop eating after 8:30 and dream of omelettes in the AM
But the easiest solution is also the easiest:
Don't buy the ice cream or have it your house (3x)
It’s really just that simple.
Don’t buy Ben & Jerry even though they like to entice you in their overpriced way in the freezer at your corner deli.
Don’t buy the ice cream or have it your house (2x)
The worst temptation is the one that you’re closest to - RZ

vol. 40: public displays of apathy

2010-08-31T11:51:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I've been seeing this girl a little here and there, and I really like her. I'm confused because when we're alone we have a great time and she seems to really enjoy being with me, but when we're with others she hardly pays any attention to me. I'm not sure if I should ask her about it because I'm a little afraid of the answer. What should I do?

- Public Displays of Apathy
--

{Lyrics}...

A girl can tend to do weird stuff. I can say this because I know.
When she likes a guy, it’s often a push and a pull between letting him know And holding back, because she doesn’t want to put herself out on a limb -
And she’s often told “disinterest” just makes him want to pursue her more.

Is this even true? I get nonplussed as time wears…
But if it helps, think of all members of whatever desired sex as bears:
“They’re more afraid of you than you are of them.”
Shake the change in your pocket if you never want to see her or him.

And before you catch me on stereotype technicality
With all my crazy blanket statements hinging on anatomy,
Just do me a favor and call this girl up – ask her for dinner; go out with her; listen; be real; chat her up, and if all goes great, and the moment’s right - try to kiss her; wait, wait a moment, guy; - you’ll have your answer. you’ll have your answer soon. you’ll have your answer soon enough. (repeat a bunch) -RZ

vol. 39: when your family member gets up in your Facebook

2010-08-24T01:49:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

My father is on Facebook and while that is minor in retrospect to serious issues and problems, he continually spams me with videos! The latest was Debbie Gibson - “Lost in your Eyes.”

I tried to politely tell him to stop and I keep deleting the videos, only to see more! On top of it, he has added 11 of my "real friends" that he does not know. Some had written me back to inquire why!

Though it is seemingly harmless and innocent, I feel it is a tad annoying. I feel like the 7th grader saying Daaad! And we are both grown so to speak!

He also writes often to people, musicians I am just getting to know and see often at shows, and when I tell him to cool it he tells me it’s his job to embarrass me.

Do I tell him again to watch his Facebook etiquette? Does he have every right to friend my friends and flood my page with videos?

Or do I just delete my dad as my Facebook friend and resume a normal father/daughter, non cyber-life relationship?

Sincerely,
Facebook Frenzy Daughter Deleting Dad
--

{Lyrics}...

Delete dad. Delete Dad – you know why. Facebook isn’t real life.

This is not a time to use tact or feel regret. Love’s not always determined by accepting a friend request, but certainly it can be taxed when being force-fed Debbie Gibson. The good thing about a real-life relationship is you can explain in person why the Facebook thing’s not working.

Delete dad. Delete Dad – you know why. Facebook isn’t real life.

Now that it’s no longer circa 1988 and you are not in 7th grade and you’ve gone your own way, you can choose or not choose to get “Lost in Your Eyes" - just ‘cuz Dad’s the sender doesn’t mean you have to lie. If you can’t stand him chumming up to all your music friends, go on to your “block” list and take a fearless breath and

Delete dad. Delete Dad – you know why. Facebook isn’t real life.
Delete dad. Delete Dad – you know why. Facebook isn’t real life.

I remember 1985
Mark Zuckerberg was only 1 then
Granted he was probably a baby Einstein
Your dad will be understanding
Or else he’ll just start spamming
Your email inbox, too…
And then it will be up to you
If you want to change your email to
A new email he does not know.
That will be for you to know and him to find out, or not.
Delete Dad – you know why. -RZ

vol. 38: how to politely say no to wannabe houseguests

2010-08-17T12:55:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

My husband and I have been living in NYC for the last 2ish years. We love it, but find it hard to manage one small detail. The guests. We love our friends and families and nearly friends and nearly family and acquaintances and friends-of-friends who decide to come visit the city, but there have been stretches of two months where every weekend we are home, we have a different guest -- sometimes they even come back-to-back! We want to be hospitable, and are sincerely excited to see these people, but hosting so many of them can be kind of tough. And not all our prospective guests can take a hint. How can we politely suggest that, for some, especially the repeat visitors, it is time to find a hotel -- maybe one of these tiny room and tiny rates ones I've heard about recently?

Sincerely,
Hostess in Distress
--

{Lyrics}...

“Dear friend or friend-of-friend wanting to stay at our place
In the lovely Big Apple full of sights, sounds, and tastes,

We think your companionship’s pretty darn swell
But we just can’t provide for you like a hotel.

We travel and work hard and all of last year
We had people stay with us most weekends. Dear,

We done got burnt out after so many guests
We’re much better company after some rest.

Here is an article I just picked up
About cute, affordable lodging and stuff

It is the reference I give to you now
So you can enjoy making plans when in town.

We know you won’t take this with personal offense
If we’re just friends of your friend, you’ll use common sense

And if we’re good buds and don’t want that to change
We’ll help one another to work within our range.

Thanks for being willing to have this exchange.”
:)

-RZ

vol. 37: how to ascertain, is he really into me?, over email

2010-08-10T03:22:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

A while ago, a friend mentioned that she knew someone with whom she thought I would really get along. I trust this friend and felt I didn't have much to lose, so I told her she could pass along my contact info. He lives really far away, so we've now been emailing for a few months.

I've enjoyed getting to know him and everything I know about him so far fits my idea of what I'm looking for in a partner. However, we have different ideas of what our communication should look like: he takes much more time to respond than I'd like (sometimes a few weeks) and attributes this to wanting to take things slowly and being bad at "multi-tasking" while busy with school and work. Each time he writes, he seems interested, but in the meantime I start to wonder if I'm just getting strung along. How do I know if he's actually interested?

Sincerely,
Is He "Just Not That Into Me"?
--

{Lyrics}...

It’s tough when two people have never met, and all they have to draw from is a thread of strivingly witty emails, and a couple jpegs with sweet attractive smiles, and the promise of future contact over the miles. But they still don’t really know what they are missing (or if they’re missing anything at all).

And until they make that ‘big’ commitment - of one getting on a plane to visit the other - it’s all an attempt in furtive wish fulfillment: dreaming ‘til they can find out with whom they are dealing.

So try not to think of this guy as the “everything” you don’t have.. He’s a fun distraction but yet still an abstraction. Leave yourself open to possibilities of some other worthy guy who could become your fellow pea - who maybe even lives in the same city ( - I’m making a reference to being “two peas in a pod”).

In the meantime, consider Distance Guy your scattered friend - a dude who may be cute, but still untried yellow brick or a dead end, and who writes you, say, every other week, but about whom you otherwise forget to think. In those times of forgetting, your priorities will change, and you’ll have let him go – unless he, sooner than later, sooner or later... (forgetting already) - steps up his game. Don’t waste the head space till he steps up his game. -RZ

vol. 36: wordplay your way through the time-stopping shift

2010-08-03T03:28:00.002-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I am stuck at work with several hours to go. The clock appears to have stopped entirely. Both morale and office supplies are running low. I'm not sure I'm going to make it. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Perplexed Proletarian
--

{Lyrics)...

I see you’ve already begun to entertain yourself with zeugma for one… when all you can do is watch the clock and language, too, what better thing to seek than the wordplay of the Greek?

Your question has my mind and my fingers at angles as I try to type an answer sufficient for a transfer of both work and frame of mind.

But even I can’t keep up with your boredom, as it creeps, as you describe, in a form depleting pleasant thoughts and post-it notes, alike. I just have one solution meant to wane the hours and your own confusion (more like a statement): Time is an illusion! When you see the clock - it’s ticking just right - it’s a ruse simply soothing our collective conscious plight. If you could live outside of time, where things more real, you’d be freaked out by the supreme-being feel. So tell body and mind, chill the heck out, and enjoy both the high and low of a construct on which we can pin our complaints and our sanity, even when seeming “slow” or “maddening.” - RZ

ps. This message has not been approved unanimously by the American Philosophical Association.

vol. 35: when the employee you fired attempts to burn you

2010-07-27T02:37:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

My assistant at work started off so well, came highly recommended, and at first we seemed to be building a great rapport. However, things got sticky after a few months when I had to give some negative feedback on his performance. After that he became touchy and aggressive. The relationship quickly spiraled out of control and went up in flames. From my end it was a difficult situation and an agonizing decision to end the relationship; a very unpleasant part of my job. But for him it's personal.

Now that he's gone, I've learned that he retaliated by sabotaging projects and is actively spreading some painfully cruel remarks about my abilities and my character. He's a charmer and lots of people think he's great, so it appears that people who don't know me well are believing his stories. Youch! I want to clear my name but I'm honor-bound not to divulge information about a employee's performance or termination. I feel like I could burst; what's a slandered boss to do?

~Blistering Boss
--

{Lyrics}...

Ouch, what a burn; what a scuffle; what a highly unpleasant turn. Aren’t you glad he’s gone? Um, yes, moving along…

So for the scars that he left - third degree burn marks on your suited best - how to heal them and be done? How to extinguish your fiery song?

How, if you’re honor-bound, you say? What does that even mean? Will you get in trouble for exacting to questioners how things went wrong – when colleagues have misinformation, isn’t a fair dissemination of fact good for correcting that?

You need an outlet beyond the bureaucratic realm. Refuse to be part of the drama he’s drawn. Rise up with neither arms nor a white waving flag. Take a deep breath and a few swats at a punching bag, and

Channel extra energy into doing what you already do well, better. Be the consummate professional with the warmth of a Cosby sweater.

Reasonable people can be quite astute, sorting crazed fiction from honorable truth. Have faith in foundations you built a priori and that folks know there’re multiple sides to a story. Then relax, let the wind get back in your sails; deceit kills itself. Truth always prevails. - RZ

vol. 34: when your stepmom is younger than you, you've never met her, and you might need to stay with her

2010-07-20T00:29:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I am thinking of moving to Europe or renting out a short term sub-lease for 3-6 months . It has not happened yet, but may be a possible tentative option for me in the near future. To start off, I need a place to stay in for at least a month.

My father lives in Europe and is awaiting for his wife: my new stepmom, who is 30 and from Africa and currently living in Africa.

I am 6 years older than her and have yet to meet her. She sounds lovely, but I know nothing about her except for the fact that she is trying to come to Europe and be with my father, so France can validate their marriage.

And that has yet to have happened, but it should any time now. I wish them well.

My father knows I may need to come abroad for awhile and has offered me the choice of possibly living with them until I can find another solution.

Is this is a perfect Brady Bunch story waiting to happen or could this comedy turn into a bad dramatic series?? I already feel old to live with my father, but to adding this to the equation makes me nervous! Even it is for a little while...

Signed,
One Big Happy Family?
--

{Lyrics}...

Dear, you're fairly uniquely circumstanced, adjusting to the fact of your dad getting married to a lady who's existed less time than you. How meta is that?

Admirable, an open stance - seems you'll hug and bypass shaking hands with the stepmom you'll have one day met. This could be a great adventure yet -

I sense you've a bit of skepticism, wondering if this union could be a schism, and trying to bridge the gap, wondering how to best love your dad. This is the loveliest burden - family, that care for each other madly - and it's no small thing to want to see each loved and cared for, perpetually.

I just don't know how awfully it could go to move in for a spell, and be close - meet for yourself the lovely-sounding lady who's so captured him and maybe, it's the place that might be hard to be, but where you could find the peace you all need that you'll use to fly happily, back to the sky, so adaptively. - RZ

vol 33: getting the front desk staff to turn inquiries into "2 nights, please"

2010-07-13T01:47:00.001-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

How can we get our front desk employees at our hotel properties to ALWAYS say, "We really want you to stay with us!!!!!"- when a potential guest ends a phone call by saying, "I think I will check other hotels in the area"?

Sincerely,
Hotel Owner
--

{Lyrics}...

It’s a fine line between advertising
And the TMI of how desperately you want something
I know how it goes – ‘cuz I feel a similar way
When I’m up in people’s faces about coming hear me play
But our businesses wouldn’t run if the people didn’t come
And that’s how we’re kind of the same

Just for starters, it’s a good thing these potentials wouldn’t have read
Those five brazen exclamation points on the statement you want said
Because it seems to me crazy punctuation helps to sway
The average consumer in a red-flag kind of way
But we could also argue it’s better they’re not heard,
And replaced with a non-strident but still persuasive word…

As a fan of customer service that’s accessible
Warm and easy, easy-going and impeccable
I think folks respond to a clear and careful cause
A no-pressure feeling and kindness in a voice
If your desk clerks with courteous confidence engage
A diligent knowledge of amenities and rates
Their manner will sell it in a more persuasive way
So there will be less cases of the walk-away
No need for any lip service or “exclamation point pay" - simply,
“We really want you to stay.” - RZ

vol. 32: coping with empty

2010-07-06T16:57:00.002-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

My life is going through many changes and they all seem to be happening in one stroke. A promising new dating relationship came

to a natural end after we acknowledged we're not long-term compatible. My roommate of 4 years just moved out, leaving me in this space on my own till the end of the month when I'll also move - though I'm not sure where I'm going to be living yet. Another very dear friend is moving away across the country.

Meanwhile I have been underemployed and my motivation to pursue new career opportunities has been stalled. In response to these changes I have proceeded to make some poor choices that have only compounded my feelings of loneliness and displacement. How do I get through this and start to flourish again?

- Too Much Room

{Lyrics}...

Your heartache is a long-worn, much told tale.

Who can’t relate to the time when everything they touched seemed to fail?

We hope, we fervently believe that each end

Should instantly surrender a new beginning in hand.

But Time cannot be bought at the close.

It sets the pace though the pace may seem too fast or too slow

Be patient with your heart, first step into the light

Be energized by those and that beyond the room inside.

Tomorrow or in days soon here you'll recall anew

The fruitful path and purpose that are being laid for you. - RZ

vol. 31: striking out in fantasy baseball

2010-06-29T23:48:00.001-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I am an avid fantasy baseball player. This year, my team stinks: I'm in last place. However, I still really believe in my team--and we haven't really been losing by huge margins. Still, my horrible season record indicates that my faith might be misplaced and that it may be time to throw in the towel, start the fire sale and trade away all my good players for young prospects.

Should I stay strong and hope my team turns it around? Or do I take measures to manage my descent so that I might be able to get 'em next year?

Sincerely,
Feeling Foul
--

{Lyrics}...

Admission: I know next to nothing about fantasy baseball except that it’s a bigger time commitment than any other fantasy sport.

Admission: I need to put your query in another fantasy context I can understand.

Admission: I have partaken in my share of Lord of the Rings madness.
Admission: One depressed January living in Michigan, I wished Middle Earth was a real place so I could go hang there.

Advice: If your team is bumming you out as much as Sauron stressed me out that winter, you might want to reevaluate your hobby.

Advice: If you can step back and take raw emotion out of your trading decisions, you’ll get back your balance and avoid feeling nutty.

Advice: Managing your descent sounds healthy, prudent and wise. And moreover, only fantasy-based people will judge you if you trade out all of your guys. - RZ

vol. 30: work-life balance when most of your life is your work

2010-06-22T01:44:00.000-04:00

Dear Advice Music,

I seem to have lost track of my personal life in lieu of my artistic career life. Grateful as I am to have such a successful career and wonderful job I seek to utilize the little time I do have away from my chosen path. How does one best the best without being bested?

Signed,

On the Right Track But Alone on the Trip

{Lyrics}...

‘Utilizing your time’… ‘Besting the best without being bested’… there’s stuff you seem to ask in the lines between your questions. Is love a battlefield, is friendship just a hobby? These things were not created to be approached like landmines, and they don’t grow so quickly as in the off-hour of free time.

It’s great you adore the good work that you do. But one’s personal life is a bit of good work, too. Are you yearning for a special one with whom to walk the road, to make a home? Or simply seeking friendships built on loyalty and love?

Just getting the ball rolling, here. Recognizing what your heart wants, matters. It’s also kinda freaky. When we say what we want, the negative space of not getting it snaps into being.

Ambiguity of feeling can remain a lonely place – you don’t have to lay your head there. Take time out from the daily working race and relish what you find at a walking pace – time to meet some co-journeyers along the cobbled way. -RZ

vol. 29: liking the person vs. responding to the attention

2010-06-15T00:17:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

When you are just starting to date someone, is there a difference between liking them and just liking the attention? When and how do you begin to distinguish the two, and does it matter?

Sincerely,
First Time Dater
--

{Lyrics}...

Let’s say the person you’ve started to date is telling you things meant to buff up your plate like, “Darling, you are the sun to my moon,” or maybe just saying, “Cool boots.”

He may be asking you out every weekend and paying to see chick flicks that don’t star Seth Rogen and don’t involve robots or fart jokes or war - and this is a sign he’s “on board.”

Now, take away the smooth comments and glances - the stealth little moments he tries to hold hands with you - take away the doting attention, and when he’s sharing a story, just listen. By chance, is it…

- Do you like what he has to say? Does he shine even when you’re standing far away… Does he impress you even when he doesn’t notice you watching him, analyzing him into oblivion?

Do you respect him and think he’s just swell - does he make you laugh and think you’re funny as - well, does your heart rate sometimes speed to think of seeing him again?

(In sum:) Of course there’s a difference.

You might learn it Date 3, Month 2 or Week 4, but determining it - is what dating is for. - RZ

vol. 28: internet overload - valid, or schmohverload?

2010-06-08T19:13:00.001-04:00

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Dear Advice Music,

We spend a lot of time on the internet every day and sometimes it gets to be overwhelming. How do you deal with internet overload?

-Your Friends at Urlesque.com
--

{Lyrics}...

Guys, I dunno, it’s a bust, it’s a fold: If I try to avert aforementioned overload, I feel so left out when my friends are going crazy ‘bout Laughing Baby* Ninja Cat.*

It’s so easy getting caught in webs, like the enticing, Machiavellian, “Charliee, Charliee, come with us to Candy Mountain!”* We junkies for the meme have watched so lovingly for the last decade and a half as our growing pet, the Internet, has shown whom we can love: Biebers* and Doyles * and now ”ancient” Homestars.* I dreamed a dream of one great dance performed completely on eight treadmills...*

When I try to enjoy Chronic(what)cles of Narnia* in my own home, still I’m distracted by other stuff – then, once again, Kanye interrupts:* “Imma let you finish, RZ, hang on for a second…” But - too late, Kanye - I drink your milkshake. I drink it up!* I’ve moved on posting status updates for awareness:* “blue” no, “tan”, no “black” – I just keep changing 'cuz I never guessed the choice would go so public in its naming. I feel funny!*

Stilll, count me in for the rickrolling. * Keep me here, always, overloading… this in modern life is our new Oregon Trail™.* ‘Lose’ is to ‘success’ now what Win is to FAIL.* -RZ

vol 27: when mom and daughter can't see eye to eye

2010-06-01T00:18:00.002-04:00

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Dear Advice Music,

I keep getting in huge fights with my mom. She says I show no "consideration, respect, or love" but I don't see myself doing that. I am 21 and she is still expecting me to ask for her permission to do anything aka going out with my friends for my upcoming birthday.... I just don't know what I am doing wrong. Why does she feel like this? She makes me feel like the worst daughter ever (she even told me that my sisters don't do this to her - I'm the only one).... help?

-The Worst Daughter I Guess?
--

{Lyrics}...

Dear girl, here’s an exciting news flash: You are 21 and you are a woman. And if you have not moved out of your mom’s house yet, seriously start thinking about it...

One nice freedom of living on your own: your schedule’s dictated by the one who pays rent (that’d be you girl). ‘Cuz if you’ve already moved, what can your mom say when you want to go out for your birthday? Um, nothing.

Even still, I venture to remit most moms deserve their kids’ love and respect. So be kind to Mom, slow to fault, and show her you have become an adult.

Your new spirit of generosity will help her see there are great benefits to letting one’s kids go, grow up, leave the fold and be productive members of society who can decide if they want to go to their own birthday parties. -RZ

vol. 26: reckoning (rhetorically) with robots

2010-05-25T19:27:00.000-04:00

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Dear Advice Music,

I was thinking about getting a Roomba to help tidy up my apartment. But, according to such hit TV shows as "Battlestar Galactica," robots like the Roomba are merely setting the stage for a Robot Apocolypse. Am I being too paranoid about emerging technology, or should I have reason to fear our emerging robotic overlords?

-Scared about Being Stalked by a Robot in NY

{Lyrics}...

Robots are the next frontier of

Machines humankind could make a rival of -

Follows perfectly: when we create a thing

We see it turn against us as our enemy.

It's got religious parallels, I see.

But, for real - could be you're paranoid

To believe a Roomba’d overthrow you

Much less do a single task other than vacuum your room

(And sing a mournful tone when it gets stuck)

I've only seen one episode of

Battlestar Galactica - so what it shows I do not know

Except for that smart shorter dude

Who fell in love with that enemy android hottie

Whose hair was not her only platinum feature

But what if you too, could

Fall in love and be that human dude

Contrasted with a robot girlfriend

What would you even bring her when she gets sick

(Not chicken soup, but maybe a microchip)?

Then maybe the idea of being overtaken by A.I.

That does stuff for you

Is appealing as much as it is scary

A house doesn't need you to clean it now

And a relationship doesn't need you to feed it -
No wonder you worry about your freedom

When dealing with the inscrutability of women and the ins and outs of housekeeping

What better solution than an instrument so removed from human thinking?

You never have to understand – just obey

Once they start making their own the way…

Okay, now I’m getting creeped out

And a certain little fear is looming now

The best I can say is bust out a duster and broom

And get up and tidy your own damn room. -RZ

vol. 25: literally, stop saying that please

2010-05-18T18:07:00.000-04:00

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Dear Advice Music,

One of my closest friends has suddenly upped her usage of the word "literally" in everyday conversation. She literally says literally all the time. I understand that this word is often used to describe things that are not in fact "literal", and I can get over that part; it's the frequency of use that is driving my crazy. I'm starting to dread hanging out with her as a result. How can I politely address the situation without coming across as just plain mean?

-Literally Going Crazy

{Lyrics}...

Here she is: "Hey, friend o' mine, it is literally gonna be 85 degrees outside today!"

"It's a shame, I am literally hungry enough to eat a horse and two baby sheep"

"Literally, it was such a blast that I literally almost literally wet my pants."

It's like when I, like, use “like" like an "um" or a "you know" phrase, like a million times a day. It's a plague, like a litter - literally a litter-word that trashes what you heard.

These are like, the little henchmen words, obstructing everything a person says, and she doesn't even know she's being held, like, hostage! These are like, the rotten witness words, perjuring themselves in the case against the wrongly accused, the, like, literally honorable defendant, Concise Speech.

So you, be a friend, use good nature to diffuse this potential bomb of Literallys all along. I would guess she has simply no idea her favorite word's become her drug de jour. Intervene and make her see the fact that the friend that you've loved has been linguistically jacked...

If you're close, she will know that you care. If she's open, be her corrector - the one who tells her "10" after counting times per minute. It will curb her quickly (just ask my mom). Literally, if it helps, you can also just play her like, this song. -RZ

vol. 24: relationship moving at the speed of business?*

2010-05-11T18:15:00.001-04:00

Dear Advice Music,

I'm in a new relationship with a girl I really like, and it is going really well. I travel frequently for business, and she's said she'd like to come with me on one of my future trips. At first I didn't think this would be a big deal but a friend reacted strongly, said it would change the relationship, signify something important. What do you think? Is it a "big deal" to have my girlfriend travel for business with me? It would be nice to have company and spend more time with her...what are the down sides to having her come along?"

-Up in the Air
--

{Lyrics}...

trips beget bonding

bonding begets devotion  
devotion begets commitment  
commitment begets dependency – yes?
(write me if you disagree)

(or there's a fast track: trips beget dependency)

Firstly, congrats on being in a happy new relationship.

Secondly, ask yourself where you hope it will go.

By taking the lady with you on your business trip – being together in circumstances dictated entirely by your business commitments, being together at all times, except for when you have to be at a meeting – you are setting up a situation in which she finds herself wholly dependent on you. Do you want that? It’s not about good or bad, right or wrong – it’s about being on the same page as your lady.   

As a twist, it is she who’s asking to be put in that dependent role. She wants to be there. So, you don’t have to be confused about what page she’s on – she’s pointed you to the bookmark.   

As a further twist – can you see yourself being cool/content in that same position, with roles switched – being dependent on her in something that would be considered her realm? If not, can you say that the resulting unevenness still reflects the type of relationship you wish to pursue? Or in answer to your question: yes it is a big deal.

If you really are enjoying this relationship and liking this girl, remember that it’s usually easier to speed things up once you both feel ready, rather than to slow things down or backtrack when they’ve bolted out of the gate too quickly.   

Godspeed!

-RZ

vol. 23: artsy & antsy - the day job quitting quandary

2010-05-04T21:54:00.004-04:00

*
Reminder: Advice Music show this Thursday night (5/6) 10pm in NYC!
*
--
Dear Advice Music,

I have been in the same boring administrative job for a few years now. It was only ever meant to be a 'starter' job, not so much a 'career' job. I've contemplated quitting many times over the years, but have never worked up the nerve. The problem is, since I am an artist & musician, I don't want to just take another desk job in its place, I want to try & make my mark on the world as an artist! But every time I think about seriously doing it, fear starts to sneak in. Since you yourself have recently gone through a similar transition, do you have any quitting tips? And how do you transition from the structure of a 9-5 Day Job to the self-discipline of self-employment?

- Itching to Quit
--

{Lyrics}...

Step 1: Dream big
Step 2: Save your cash
Step 3: Give your notice
Step 4: Don’t burn your bridges behind you
Step 5: Buy a notebook
Step 6: Start a to-do list
Step 7: Populate it with some easy-to-accomplish tasks so you can be fueled by the small victories (for instance, next to “Find an agent," write, “Take a shower." Next to “Score a movie," pencil in “Start the coffee." Next to “Write a musical” put “Write the rent check on time")
Step 8: Keep some structure
Step 9: Don’t get flustered
Step 10: Take a breather when needed (rent a thriller, go running by the river)
Step 11: Live the day-to-day to take a break from the Big Picture, which can sometimes be paralyzing, because it’s so freakin' Big
Step 12: Rest in knowing you’re going where you’re supposed to be – the place where "your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet" (-F. Buechner)
-RZ

vol. 22: vexed by texts

2010-04-27T00:26:00.000-04:00

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Dear Advice Music,

I don't like text messaging at all. It seems like it is the absolute minimum in human connection. While I am willing to admit that every once in a while there is a good reason to text, I much prefer a call in most situations. Because I feel this way, I have not added texting to my cell phone plan and am charged every time I receive or send a text - which makes me like it even less! The problem is that I have some friends who text me. I have tried to mention that "I'm not really a texter" or to call them in response to a text as a hint, but with some people the message hasn't gotten through and they keep texting! How can I politely get it through people's heads that they should please call me if they have something to say?

Vexed by Texts
--

and now a few words from our sponsor...

2010-04-20T15:07:00.001-04:00

Hello! Different format today - not a volume, but words.

word 1: No Advice Music this week. But we'll (and by "we'll" I mean "I'll") be back next week with new nuggets of music-steeped commentary for your daily life. I know, what a relief, right?

word 2: With no post to listen to, what will you do with this spare five minutes to your week? May I suggest making a night of it and coming to hear Rachel Zylstra (ie "us" or "me") play live in downtown NYC? I'm in the midst of a bi-weekly music residency at The Sidewalk Cafe. This Thursday April 22 at 10pm sharp, I'm sharing some all-original tunes and joined by a string trio comprised of Matt Gelfer on violin, Greg Williams on viola and Jenna Girone on cello. There's no cover and all are welcome.

third word: Two weeks following, on Thursday May 6th at 10pm sharp, will be another special show: a night of All ADVICE MUSIC. I'll be reading and singing the best Q&As from this very blog. I also hope to get some new questions from you and debut those answers live at the show. Again, no cover and all welcome.

So please, mark your calendars, gather your friends, and start send your queries!

A gander at rachelzylstra.com will illuminate full concert details. With wishes of good advice sought, received and taken - RZ

vol. 21: clearing up capri confusion

2010-04-13T10:06:00.001-04:00

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Dear Advice Music,

I've always been a fan of the 'cropped pant' look in the spring and summer, especially for work because you can pair it with a cute top and it's usually pretty comfortable. But a friend of mine recently told me that she overheard her husband and his friends talking about capri pants and how they hate it when women wear them because it looks frumpy and dumpy. Now she has crossed them off of her fashion list and refuses to wear them again. Can you shed some light on the matter? Are capris now a big fashion don't? And what about a cropped skinny pant? Does that fall under the same category as 'capri'?

- Confused in Cropped Pants
--

{Lyrics}...

So the time was 1999. I rolled my slim fit Lycra-blend black slacks from Eddie Bauer up above my shins and just below my knees, threw on espadrilles and called it a good deal.

That was the summer suddenly the hems got higher on the cuffs of many pairs of pants. The look was called the capri, or clam-diggers, if you will - any pants with hems that hit higher than your ankles but lower than your knees.

They first saw a surge of popularity some eras behind us, predating our age – after the golden years of Sears homes and before the second wave. But since 1999, I have seen the capri decked out in different faces – yet it’s never completely gone away.

The trick to pulling off this look that seems never to go out of fashion - but is constantly reborn in different iterations - is to wear the version that’s most attractive on your body type, taking into account an eye for balance and a flattering cut. By the way, gauchos don’t look good on anyone.

What looks slim on Sally may be frumpy on Sue. What sparkles on Leigh might wash out you. And your best tee may be a nightmare on me – it’s true. Doesn’t matter what Anna Wintour says… when style is the question - follow your head. -RZ

vol. 20: after a sneeze, to bless or not to bless

2010-04-06T00:53:00.001-04:00

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Dear Advice Music,

In a city where probably every religious idea is represented, should I be blessing strangers when they sneeze? I recently said, "Bless You!" on the subway, and the passenger offered no response. While I wasn't offended, I suddenly worried that I'd offended her! I wondered if she thought, "I do not require a blessing, thank you very much." What's a girl to do? Please read up on the supposed history of blessing people and offer some guidance!

Thanks,
Confused Blesser
:)
--

{Lyrics}...

Your kindness and good sense in this place of diversity show a mindfulness keener than the best thing you could say after a fellow man’s monumental sneeze. “Bless you” may not be everybody’s hot pot of tea - some prefer “Gesundheit” or the neurotic New Yorkers’ “You’re sooo good-looking.”

But you can’t be expected to know what he’s hoping you’ll say or simply ignore, and your good intentions will not pave the way down to hell - not when you only bless him to be polite, or show concern, or so the sneezer will not lose his soul. And nay, I did not check Wikipedia as a source; I figure enough lazy students - I know I would have been one - are using it for their reports. It will behoove this column to claim heavy on opinion and light on fact-checking remorse.

So don’t let the occasional unanswered “Bless you” prevent you from perpetuating your blessing rites. Every big sneeze can use a gracious neighbor showing her neighborly stripes. -RZ

vol. 19: made middle in a maybe-matchup

2010-03-30T20:11:00.000-04:00

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Dear Advice Music,

I recently had a gentleman friend call me to confess his love for a friend of mine. He asked me to "put out feelers" and see if she is interested, then fully acknowledged the immaturity of that idea, but still wanted me to do it. I don't want to get in the middle of anyone's business, but the thing is, I think he would be good with my friend who is not giving him a chance (because she is oblivious probably). AND I think that if he did flat out tell her, she might not listen to him anyway, because he got pushed to the friend/not-bf-material zone from day one. How do I encourage him to be a man, to risk getting himself hurt, and not get myself stuck passing the "Do you like me? (Check 'yes' or 'no')" note?

Thanks.

-Stuck in the Middle with you... and you.
--

{Lyrics}...

It seems you want to help but feel constrained by social expectations, and a personal modesty that, while admirably Austenian, when aiding your guy friend, may yield his consternation. But he too, is a man of modest temperament who may be prone to self-flagellation.

Everyone here needs a decent dose of Alan Rickman – a person of great manners who plays characters of great determination. Granted, often they are bad, with a lustful or a vengeful intent. But perhaps you could channel that brand of confidence into making good in precarious social events.

If you think this gentleman would be an apt companion for your sister-friend, just posit as much to her. Carry out the favor that has been sought of you. Ask if you may give her number to him, too. Then she can supply a no or yes – without the pressure of the fellow immediately in her presence. After you’ve completed this transaction, let go and let unfold. Consider yourself a helper of “creation” (if we lived in a deistic world). -RZ

vol. 18: when B.O. blocks a budding friendship

2010-03-27T14:16:00.002-04:00

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Hi Advice Music,

I have a question for you. I have an acquaintance that I really enjoy hanging out with. I think that if we spent enough time together we could become good friends. We both enjoy playing the same games, watching the same movies etc. But here's the thing: he always smells rank. Here's the other thing: so does his whole family! How do you tell a guy, whom you're building a friendship with, "Dude, I'd like to hang out more but you, your wife and two kids all smell like BO."?!?!?!

Thanks,

Assaulted Nostrils Fighting Friendship Potential
--

Dear Assaulted,

You may have noticed that I have sat on your question for well over a month. I’ve thought about it, begun writing a song about it, scratched that, made lists, brainstormed, “blue-skyed” this idea in all its iterations. Quite simply you have thrown me the toughest question so far. So, thanks. No, seriously though, thanks for forcing me have to be a better advice columnist.

Why are bad smells coming from our fellow human beings one of the hardest things to address directly with said human beings (babies excluded), especially when we value our relationship with them? If you smelled bad, or had bad breath, you would want to know, right? But then what if you’ve already been told before – and so hearing it again from another quote-unquote caring individual is only a twist of the knife? We have to put ourselves in the shoes of the unwittingly offensive. I personally would want to know, and even know a second time, because I would have tried to correct it the first time and would want to know if whatever I had done wasn’t really working. Let’s face it, it’s a sad thing that your new friend’s noxiousness would be the ONE thing getting in the way of developing a closer friendship with him. Yet, you can’t spend every bro-date holding your nose or breathing exclusively through your mouth (though, if you were going to go the unproductively antagonistic approach, becoming “Heavy Mouth-Breathing Guy” would be a good way to almost one-up him in the repellant category).

Alright, so. If you were already good pals with this guy (let’s call him Shrek), you COULD possibly bring up this tricky subject in the manner of, “I’m concerned about your health, Shrek.” Sometimes B.O. is indeed a medical problem and so to frame it in those terms – “Have you seen a doctor about this?” – could deliver the message in a compassionate, minimally embarrassing way.

But if you’re still treading in acquaintance territory (and in a way, I hope you are, because I really want you to do this), then, please consider this. Old Spice has been making men smell good for years and years. They have that cool old-fashioned white bottle with the ship. And now, besides being all old-reliable, they’ve also gotten to be real Clever McGees in their advertising. Can you imagine what fun the public relations/customer service departments could have with your problem, and how much they could help… perhaps, even, per an anonymous tip from you? I have a hunch they might be willing to – again, preserving your anonymity - mail Shrek some of the tools (ie complimentary samples) he needs to unearth his inner pleasant-smelling dude, henceforth winning friends (you) and influencing people (his wife and kids!).

So, write Old Spice (try here or here). Tell them your sticky situation and tell them that Rachel at advicemusic.blogspot.com sent you because she is confident they can help. You don’t risk personal discomfort, and they don’t risk anything beyond a shipping fee to be the bug in this guy’s ear – they might even get a new customer out of the deal. It is in situations like yours that having a big faceless corporation on your side is truly priceless.

I hope to hear how it all turned out!

And now, to complete our theme, I’m going to go sans song, in favor of the commercial that first got me thinking that Old Spice has experienced a rebirth of cool. And ps, while I may look and sound like a sell-out today, that would involve some sort of payment, which I am definitely not getting in any way. But a girl can keep dreaming. –RZ

vol. 17: how to say goodbye to the city you love

2010-03-23T23:59:00.004-04:00

-- 
Dear Advice Music -  

I have lived in New York City for the past 5 years. It is my home and I love it here. I imagined myself staying forever. I recently landed an amazing job opportunity in Washington, DC that I would be a fool to turn down. So, I have reluctantly decided to move. However, I am devastated about leaving New York. Can you help me cope with the heartache of leaving my beloved NYC?
 
Sincerely,  
Distressed City Girl  
-- 

{Lyrics}...  

I can’t sugarcoat this breakup my dear - here’s the thing: this city is the best of everything… like the greatest boyfriend of your life. But the greatest boyfriend the best husband doesn’t always make. You’ll miss strolling through these streets on their square and skinny grid. You’ll grow attuned to the circular roads of your betrothed. They are pretty, too. But yeah, not the same.

I’m not trying to make you feel worse. I guess I’m saying look at this: what a gift, what a time. You are bound to fall again in love in a new place that can only be itself and can never be NYC. Don’t be afraid to feel just how much you’ve loved. Promises ahead will in due time pull you up, but let the thing you leave be properly grieved. And remember, it will always be right here:

Battery Park to Broadway to Union Square from Wall Street to Hudson River piers; restaurants lining Chelsea to Times Square and Bryant Park and Jackie’s reservoir; the magic of the lights at night on the Upper West Side, the views from all the rooftop heights… neighborhood after neighborhood. They will always be right here - in case you ever want to come back. -RZ

vol. 16: how to disengage an office romance

2010-03-16T11:39:00.000-04:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I need your help! It's a pretty typical problem but it has a bit of a twist! I ended up in, an, er, comption with a senior work colleague. More than once. Maybe more than a few times and maybe there wasn't even drink involved. We decided that although we liked other, our respective careers came first and we called it a day. Anyway, to cut a long story short I've got over it and getting on with my life. He left the company and continues to woo me. When I revoke his advances he tried to make me feel bad because he 'left his job' for me. What can I do to get him off my back (and get another job)?

Thanks,
Workaholic Woman,
Ireland
--

{Lyrics}...

Seems it was a good old time or two of touching base with him and closing the loop (in a manner of speaking). In the age of dwindling face time, you circled back and tried to incentivize (and who can blame you?). But this high-risk romance didn’t last. Some things are not well-suited to be multitasked.

Now that this fellow’s gone offline, up and flown the coop - did he even have a golden parachute? - he thinks you’re the key to his new start, the gatekeeper of his sinking-or-swimming heart. But did he ever consult you on his brainstorm? Did he ask to buy your stock before he sold his own?

If he didn’t, your conscience should be clear: let’s tell him it’s time to stop blue-skying this idea. Tell him don’t invest, and wish him the best before he jots another strategy. Cut the dial-in line; make the disconnect.

It’s not so personal (even though it is). Your former man friend will get over this. He’s acquainted to the unfair world of business - wouldn’t you say? He’ll be alright if he thinks outside the box and sets his love math on another opportunity cost. -RZ

vol. 15: putting a positive spin on your homelessness and unemployment

2010-03-09T11:32:00.000-05:00

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Dear Advice Music,

I recently returned to the city after a two year hiatus elsewhere. I arrived in search of a job but have since realized that, in this day and age, it's going to take a lot longer than originally anticipated...and have been couch surfing with friends since the New Year. I don't tend to feel like an itinerant nomad due to the generous hospitality of my friends, but I've been asked on more than one occasion by my new acquaintances -- and even on dates! -- "So...is it safe to say that you're homeless?" How can I tackle this question without saying, "Unemployed AND homeless, actually...makes me a great prospect, huh?"

- Displaced in Gotham
--

{Lyrics}...

You gotta take control. There’s no disguising the couch on which you sleep as a cozy studio. And you’re looking for a job. It’s a fact of your existence till you get one. So go on, be a charmer, but tell it like it is, and let their do-good instincts kick right in.

You gotta take this full-on; honesty can be fun. Here’s your script:

“I’m unemployed - aka on the ready to be your friend or colleague or your girlfriend going steady - keeping real, keeping gracious with my peops and my folks as I camp out at their places and I laugh at all their jokes. Yeah boy, I’m homeless, living on a bum flux, riding on a need wave – surfing for my own house. In the steady meantime, I possess a width of time. I’m overqualified; I can make your sentence rhyme –

While I am unemployed I could fill a little void; I can be your severence; you can be my reference. Take an option, take a card; pick me up a Snickers bar. Take me out for Cold Stone; promise me a simple loan. Pay it forward, pay it back; I could be your Hasselbeck. You won’t even know it till you cut a homeless girl some slack. Take a penny leave a penny, say abra cadabra. I could be your Behar, I could be your Barbara. Take a chance, take a chance on love, take a chance on me and I could be your Whoopi.” I’ve just named all the women from The View and I don’t know how they fit with this stew. But I think that they’d be cool. And they might have a job for you. I forgot Sherri. -RZ

vol. 14: oh baby - wanting a baby when spouse isn't ready

2010-03-04T14:00:00.001-05:00

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Dear Advice Music,

Ever since I married my wonderful husband, I have wanted a baby. We have only been married a year and a half but I'm not getting any younger! He wants all of his ducks in a row before welcoming "baby F," but will his ducks ever all be in a row? Could you write a song for me about the joys of fatherhood? :-)

Sincerely,

Empty, drying up womb
--

Dear Empty, drying up womb,

Thank you for your query! Your special request for a song about the joys of fatherhood actually drove home an important point to me: Not now, nor ever, will I get to experience, and subsequently express, the joys of fatherhood. (It goes without saying that this is major limitation of my advice-giving canon.) So perhaps it's better for me to leave that one up to one of the experts - which I will - momentarily.

As for your baby-antsiness, or babantsiness as one could say, but probably shouldn't, this is another area in which I am less than fully vetted to authoritatively respond. From my view, you have a wonderful husband and a year and a half of marriage under your belt: you have done quite well merely securing some of the raw materials for successful child-rearing! That's quite terrific! Not knowing how old you are, I can't say if it's your biological clock making all the racket in a "this needs to happen soon" way, or just your maternal and/or goal-achieving instincts notching up - as naturally, they do. But unless you're on the home stretch of your fertility 5K, I would say give your still-fairly-new guy-for-life a little more time to enjoy you - and you him - before pressing to begin your brood. This is precious time you have as newlyweds, and though kiddies will be great too, they'll make things different. Why rush?

Maybe a few months or a year goes by, delightfully, and you sense a little more openness from him on the subject? At this point, plan a romantic evening - candles, champagne, some sexy new duds if you know what I'm sayin - and THEN -- yeah, you know where this is going!: turn him on... to the stereo... and play him this kick-to-the-heartstrings and essentially kickin' Paul Simon song about - that's right - the joys of fatherhood.

Good luck! -RZ

Father and Daughter

{Lyrics}...

If you leap awake in the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second you can't remember where you are
Just open your window and follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain where we counted every falling star

I believe a light that shines on you will shine on you forever
And though I can’t guarantee there’s nothing scary hiding under your bed
I'm gonna stand guard like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave ‘til I leave you with a sweet dream in your bed

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It’s just like goin’ fishin’
You cast your line and hope you get a bite
But you don’t need to waste your time
Worryin’ about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you -Paul Simon

vol. 13: the price of train fare evasion

2010-03-02T11:30:00.000-05:00

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Dear Advice Music,

I have a moral dilemma. I have to take the train to get to work, but it gets to be so expensive, and it's so easy to sneak onto. Am I a bad person if I sneak onto the and saving $2.25, or should I just be honest and pay to get on every time?

- Morally Questionable Commuter in Chicago
--

{Lyrics}...

When you think about this, and don’t think too hard – is it really worth the price? It’s not a trick question; but maybe think twice – is guilt your secret vice?

You wrote me here – that’s right – you took the time
It says something about how this trespassing troubles your mind

Is the worry worth it?
Is it $2.25 of worry
Or is it more? – Calculate the time
Does it occupy you daily, for say, 10 minutes, or 9?
Well, friend that’s some stress that you could relieve
For 25 cents per minute of worrying.

So for $2.25 you can both do the right thing
And buy yourself straight out of worrying. -RZ

vol. 12: how to avoid contacting the ex in the age of constant contact

2010-02-23T11:11:00.005-05:00

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Dear Advice Music,

My ex and I recently decided to start a non-communication period (to allow time to heal some...stuff). We've tried it before and I've failed, contacting him when I've agreed not to. I've deleted his number, but thanks to technology, I can still contact him with a few mouse clicks. I really want to move forward. How can I make it stick this time?

Thanks,
Message Girl
--

{Lyrics}...

You already know the work of healing that must be done - and since he can’t be around in order for that to happen - don’t make it hard on yourself by leaving avenues of temptation to communicate. Just remove them.

Sure it’s rough getting around Facebook and Facebook chat… and Gmail, and all of that... and Google Wave, and Google Buzz, and texting and tweeting and Friendster (?) but I personally resonate with your situation. It calls for a painful bandaid ripping - but painful only briefly vs. drawing out for months.

So block him on Facebook and block him on Gchat. Take him off your contacts of Earthlink, Yahoo and Mac. If you even still find yourself on Myspace (though most people don’t), file through those 8 Top Friends and remove his tender mug. Go on AIM and revamp your buddy list; make all your settings so you can’t see each other exist. Fill your idle fingers typing emails to old friends or rambling Blogspot blogs about regaining personal empowerment.

It’s gonna be rough at first, like heroin withdrawal, not that I know what that’s like. Be strong and be hopeful in your newly single self and go forth with joy in your life. Someday either: (1) you’ll be able to be in touch again, pain free and healthily or (2) you won’t be in touch at all – and you’ll still feel totally free. -RZ

vol 11: when he hasn't said "I love you" yet

2010-02-16T07:55:00.003-05:00

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Dear Advice Music,

What do you do if your boyfriend won't say "I love you"? :) No matter how sweet and darling he is, we just don't say it, and I'm starting to get distressed!

-A. in Brooklyn
--

{Lyrics}...

Don’t force the “I love you” – let it come out like a baby when it’s due.
Don’t force the “I love you” – let it come out like a sandwich when it’s toasted through.
Or shall I come up with more twisted metaphor - well, I could.

But it remains, over time, his actions will or will not state loud and clear those precious words you want to hear, whether he uses words at all. Words can mean a lot or they can mean absolutely nothing at all. [- Scat singing -] -RZ

vol. 10: hapless hair and how to deal with it

2010-02-12T11:31:00.006-05:00

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Dear Singer-Songwriter-Purveyor of Wisdom:

I have a hair problem—it’s like feathers on my head (which, by the way, is kind of small). This thin hair/small head reality creates an especial conundrum for me in the winter: how to keep my head and ears warm without looking like a cocooned rodent and then emerging from said cocoon with all kinds of static-y, bodiless, hat-head related issues. You have beautiful hair, of course, lush and thick. But you also have empathy. Can you help me?

Signed,
Frost-bitten Ears in Indiana
--

Dear FEI,

I was *just about* to burst into song over your dilemma, but then the proper direction was made known to me. I can’t sing on this topic. It hits too close to home. See, I come from a family of people who – on both sides of the tree - got luck-o’-the-draw on resilient hair-gene inheritance. My mother and some of her siblings got super thick tresses. Yet their father, my Grampa B., became bald as an eagle in his mid-20s and commenced rocking a shiny pate for the rest of his rarin’ life. My dad’s side is similarly unpredictable. One of my brothers inherited “hair that stays” and other, “hair that quickly went” (though he shrewdly robbed the event of its impact by taking on the chicks-dig-it shaved-head look from almost the moment his forehead grew to a five).

I pull out this meandering rabbit trail to illustrate: there is only so much we can do to make what’s on top of our heads different from what it is, whether it’s a feathery wisp, a uncoaxable cowlick, or a full set of non-working hair follicles. In addition, it seems that most everyone – including those who seem to have it ‘made’ in one department - STILL looks longingly at greener pastures across the fence, about something else, or about some different aspect of the thing she has supposedly already lucked out in. To boot: My mother (winner of that thick hair jackpot) feels all bent out of shape when she loses a few strands after a rigorous brushing. And a good friend who has pretty, natural curls will take time to do her hair differently when she wakes up and her hair looks as though it’s been styled in hot rollers. Yes, let me repeat that: when her hair inadvertently looks as though she’s styled it, then she styles it. Mmm. How unhappy are we with ourselves at this point? Let’s write an absurdist play.

From what I can see, there are three ways of dealing with your dissatisfaction:

1) Overcompensation (ie, drinking the crazy koolaid): Stop at nothing to achieve the perfect look, and force other people’s approval in order to tamp down intense feelings of inadequacy. This method is endorsed by Heidi Montag and, to a less crazy degree, Kate Gosselin. Bust into your rainy day savings and buy the most sexy, bodyful, realistic hair extensions you can afford, get them affixed as publicly and expensively as possible, and start going about your daily routine willing regular people not to stand, mouths agape, stunned into full revelry of your new levels of gorgeousity. Yes, in actuality they might be stunned for other reasons, but you’ll be too busy basking in your beauty to notice. And you will be Happy. Warning: Happy with a capital H is different than normal happiness. (Overcompensation alternative: a good wig)

2) Denial (a version of overcompensation, but for people with over- vs. under-developed egos)

My recommendation however, is

3) Joyful Acceptance: Per the Dove approach – rock what ya got – it’s quirky and it’s real. But don’t forget to at least buy beauty products that enhance said quirky and real beauty, because otherwise folks like Dove would go out of business.

My hair is not as thick as it looks – I use ‘product’ in the form of one of these little guys: 1 or 2, but there are many of them out there – and then I scrunch till the cows come home, and that’s what gives it a lot of that volume (granted, disheveled volume, but that's a look I'm going for, I'm not gonna lie). A tacky substance + scrunching = volume. Flat hat/earmuff hair? Add product and scrunch. Small head? Add product and scrunch. Lifeless locks due to fine hair/dry cold air combo? Add a lot of product and do a lot of scrunching.

But moreover, do it because you want to, not because you feel you have to. Joyful acceptance means that Gramma B.'s embroidery was right. "God made just so many perfect heads. The rest he covered with hair." IE, you have already been given all that you need in order to work your stuff. So let go of worry and enjoy the big picture - the fabulous whole that is you -because you would not be the same person without this hair that has always done its own thing on your head. And you'll find yourself in a place where your happiness does not need a capital letter just so people can recognize it. It's called Indiana. No just kidding. But definitely, Indiana and that place will very often overlap.

How could I not throw in some India.Arie to back me up on this "grass is always greener... self acceptance is key" business?

"I Am Not My Hair"

vol. 9: recruiting for rebagging

2010-02-09T11:21:00.003-05:00

--
Q: How can I politely tell friends (and strangers) that using plastic bags is just not forgivable in this day and age?

~ "Keep a bag in your bag" Lady
--

{Lyrics}...

I don’t know, I’m gonna say a lot in a little, and it’s gonna come off as wildly original - but you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. And those flies might be buzzing up all the landfills, and they might be landing on broken pillboxes and threadbare wallets, and dented pots and a plastic bag or two - thousand. Am I painting the proper picture? What does it do to us in two hundred years? But, you gotta be sweet.

“Going green” is the next big sing – it’s a true-stuff-mixed-with-trendy-fad-cause thing, and even Leo’s Prius cannot save us or even feed us. Sorting out the fad from the inconvenient truth maybe starts with a bag in a bag and two minutes of friendly chat without a whiff of the need to forgive that non-green cat. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar – see what I’m saying? And you will find your routine speaks louder than your pleas.

Keep on keeping your bag in a bag; keep on smiling and planting the way. Keep on keeping your friends as friends, and find it in yourself to forgive them. And give them all bags as birthday gifts, and don’t even mention the forgiveness part. Your friends will love you for it. Endear their hearts before chewing them out. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. - RZ

vol. 8: supervising a chronic deadline-blower

2010-02-02T09:47:00.020-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

I have an employee who does excellent work...but is forever missing deadlines. I've tried everything -- from having her set her own deadlines, to putting her in a time management class, to walking her through each step to finish a project. But none of it has helped her complete work on time. Her endless string of excuses include depression, morning sickness, childcare issues, being overwhelmed, etc. I don't want to lose her because her actual work is good, but how can I get her to follow through on deadlines?

Eagerly awaiting your advice,
Annoyed Boss Lady
--

{Lyrics - right-click to open}

vol. 7: dating tall, dark and bicoastal

2010-02-01T14:22:00.004-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,

Three months ago, while away in Europe, I met a handsome gentleman who is good friends with my sister and brother-in-law who live overseas. He expressed interest in a date with me, but simply ended up joining my family for a nice dinner before I left to return home. It was a fun dinner, great conversation, and good chemistry. Last month he moved back to his home state to go back to school. He's been proactive about keeping in touch and is now making plans to visit me next month. I'm excited to have him visit, but I'm also nervous since he has been intentionally pursuing me and I'm used to guys who play games. Although my family loves him, I'm still figuring out how I feel for him. Help.

Thanks for your help!
Bicoastal Special Friend
--

Dear BiSpeshFreh,

Thank you for your question. It seems you have a rather pleasant problem on your hands. A handsome, intentionally-minded friend-of-your-family has shown a special interest in you, and there's already proven to be a bit of a spark. Certainly it makes perfect sense that you are freaking out. But on the other hand - no - what - really?? You must own this moment my dear. Establish a no-freaking-out-over-good-possibilites zone. Conquer your fear of a happy ending and take his visit in stride. This is exactly the type of activity that will help you determine your feelings for him, and where you both want things to go.

One of my favorite advisory songs to ever become popularized by a Zach Braff vehicle is Frou Frou's Let Go (below!). It's a beautiful testament to the freedom and wonder of jumping into a new fantastical situation - I would like to think, love. I mean, you begin applying it to robbing banks and cheating on your spouse and so on, and it starts to lose its sage appeal. Other than that, pure gold.

{Lyrics}

vol. 6: getting your chefy spouse to change certain cooking habits

2010-01-26T23:12:00.018-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music,  

My husband is the main chef in the household, a role I joyfully relinquish. I am grateful every time I sit down to a meal I did not prepare. However, he doesn't chop onions finely enough; he doesn't plan balanced meals; and he favors cream-based dishes, nemeses of my waistline. I fear that if I prod him to cook differently he will take great offense or challenge me to pick up cooking responsibilities. How can I sway him to cook my way without actually having to do the cooking myself?  

-Yours Truly
--

{Lyrics}...

My dear, as you note, the blues that you’re living are some other folks’ heaven - but here’s a suggestion. You gotta use spice if he’s not to think twice (about doing all the cooking for his beautiful wife):

Come up behind him when he’s cutting the onions, dry his tears and start giving him some lovin’. Take over that knife and do some fine chopping; he’ll be too distracted, wondering who cranked the oven.

And while he’s in your grip, sweet talk him slowly about how the cream sauce is getting too lonely. It needs a companion that’s low-cal, tomato based. Your husband will get it and pick up the pace.

Tomatoes on the stove now, the onions all chopped. He’ll love your suggestions whether he likes them or not. Then finally convince him that if he makes a salad, together you can cut rosettes out of radishes.

Your husband sounds like a very good man; show him that you love him and his mostly great way with a pan. -RZ

vol. 5: how early is too early to ask where it's going

2010-01-22T18:27:00.002-05:00

--
Dear Advice Music

I'm seeing this guy, and really like him. we have great dates, but he is pretty MIA between dates. To what extent do I take this as a sign he's not that into me? Or should I suspend judgment and see where the dates go. On the other hand, maybe I should just ask him about it.

From
Third Date Girl
--

Dear Third Date Girl,

I'm going to answer your question partially in questions. When he goes MIA, who gets back in touch? Is there a mutuality to initiating contact? I'm not a stickler on signs, but I would say that if the contact-initation is neither: a mutual back-and-forth, nor: him manning up and calling, him emailing, him giving you something to respond to and work with, then it's a good indicator that his interest level is not going to fuel this expedition for launch. You shouldn't have to literally be on a date in front of him in order to yield his sustained interest and continuing attentions. On the other hand, with only two dates under your collective belt, to construe his long-term intentions too quickly may do a disservice to you both, stress you out needlessly, and dash what potential may have been brewing underneath an initial protective non-committal coating.

Letting it unfold organically to "see where it goes" is hard when the object of interest doesn't seem to be unfolding at the same rate. My advice would be to go on that third date, enjoy his company, be your awesome sparkling self, and afterward, focus your energy on other prospects/life stuff and let him be the one to seek you out for date #4. What he does in order to try to spend time with you again will say a lot about the potential you are trying to gauge. I hope to hear an update!

In the midst of navigating all this biz, take a page out of Bonnie Raitt's book, and if over the course of things this guy does anything egregiously oblivious, you may just have to play him these blues, because Bonnie knows how to tell it. Love Me Like A Man
{Lyrics}

vol. 4: relationship strategy

2010-01-19T10:33:00.021-05:00

--
dear advice lady,

here's the question.

1. the idea of "being strategic" in relationships feels inauthentic, forced, unhealthy

2. conventional wisdom holds guys want what they can't have, respond to a challenge-someone who is hard to get

3. given 1 & 2, what do you do in a situation where what is natural is to be very close and available to an object of interest? disregard #1 and just be strategically distant - lose the battle/win the war? hope #2 doesn't always apply? or some third option that doesn't involve eating fattening food & being mopey?

-guidelined
--

{Lyrics}...

Ok, so you like a guy, he’s always nearby. That’s just how the cards have been dealt. Do you show him how much you love that he’s near or show him near nothing at all?

Is it really a given that strategy is phoney, forced and unhealthy? I ask ‘cause I think when the heart has gone weak, some strategy works like a wonder.

Sometimes it’s the case that men don’t like to chase and need guarantees before they move forward. But I think it’s more often they hanker for the option of intriguing, and slightly mysterious you.

Strategy does not have to be hiding your cards all behind you – but cultivating some sweet mystery by kindness and cool stuff that defines you. No, I am not saying, deal by being a 1950s stepford-type gal… but rather by honing the life that you’re owning and letting that life be your charm.

If this seems too myopic a response to the topic to satisfy the whole room, well it‘s square my shoulder, still mulling it over and I’ll be sure to touch more on it soon. -RZ

vol. 3: the "when harry met sally" conundrum

2010-01-14T11:58:00.000-05:00

--
Miss Z,

I am a single male in my early thirties, and I have often wondered how to evaluate some of my friendships with single women. Do you think that friendships are really possible, or are they merely a ruse by which one party or the other is attempting to move the relationship to the next level?

Bewildered in Bridgeport
--

Dear Be,

Thank you for your question!

Now, as much as you wonder what women are thinking, here is a little not-so-secret tidbit that should be at least mildly comforting to you: women wonder what men, at any given moment, are possibly thinking, wanting and dreaming. Men and dealing with men are most women's favorite topics of analysis, overanalysis, frustration and elation. I am wildly oversimplifying this phenomenon of gender-specific brain chemistry, and certainly there are exceptions, but it is in commiseration that I overstate my point: your frustration is real, but I'm telling you, it's worse for the fairer sex. (not convinced? see: my body of work)

Regarding friendships between single, heterosexual men and women, I do tend to be of the school of thought that it is nearly impossible to find such friendships ever be completely free of some unacted-upon or unexpressed desire to move things to the next level in at least one of the friends. (see: famous 80's rom-com starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal)

Gender aside, people have the friends they have because they were attracted to one another. Something about personalities, shared beliefs and/or background, shared humor, looks, even, or some mash-up combo of these factors, drew two people into a friendship to begin with. Add the opposite-sex component, and suddenly on top of all that is sexual tension, or both parties acknowledging on some level, conscious or subconcious, that the friendship could become romantic. Let's face it, that added dimension can be fun. It is anticipation, the spark of possibility. And, especially when it's not talked about, it can help perpetuate a friendship for years. Notice how often, when one or both friends within a male-female buddyship find romantic fulfillment elsewhere, their own relationship, however platonic it was on the surface, suddenly, understandably I think, becomes a lot less sharey, and lot less of a priority. I am thinking about a half dozen examples in my life. I bet you have some too.

Now, while I gather we may be in agreement about the unlikelihood of having a completely motive-free m-f friendship, I wouldn't default to what you give as the other option - that such friendships are only a ruse. A ruse? Ah, Be, jaded one - don't lose heart. I believe they are experiments, launchpads, valuable tools of insight and learning. Yes, I'm saying that a good friendship can be a tool. Just avoid being friends with tools.

The White Stripes' ode to friendship in a simpler time: We're Going To Be Friends
lyrics

vol. 2: unnecessary scarves on men

2010-01-12T10:02:00.009-05:00

--
Dear RZ,

So - just wondering...hypothetically, can/should a heterosexual male walk down the street in a scarf when it's not single-digit temps (e.g. no jacket, but a scarf)? What's your reaction when you see this guy...oo-la-la, or ew?

Sincerely,

Stylistically Challenged
--

{Lyrics}...

What to make of the scarf on that man on the sidewalk when it’s 60 degrees and he also wears flip-flops? It’s kind of dapper; it’s kind of weird – I’m just as confused and I can’t grow a beard. Sir, the heart of the matter is this: you sound curious. And I say, when it’s comes to accessories to wear: Confidence is the best piece of flair.

The verdict is: the unnecessary man-scarf can be cool. Just don’t wear it meekly - wear it like you’re making new rules. -RZ

vol. 1: advice credentials

2010-01-07T19:19:00.022-05:00

Ok, folks, a good preliminary question has come to my attention. The inbox has said, hello, talk to me.

--
Dear Rachel, if that is your actual name,

I need advice on a special topic, but don't know if the advice columnist I want to ask has the proper credentials. How can I find this out? I've had trouble with fly-by-night advice columnists in the past, and don't want to fall down that rabbit hole again. Thanks for the advice.

-Kid in Astoria
--

Dear Kid A,

In this age of Wikipedia and tweeting journalism, I can totally understand your sense of caution. I think any respectable advice columnist will gladly you give you her credentials if asked directly. And, though I'm sure you're not referring to me specifically in any way, as a good faith gesture I would like to present my credentials as a legitimate advice giver, for any present or future curious and concerned citizen like yourself.

1) I've had a hard knock life, at times, certainly, at least, whenever watching Annie or daydreaming about being a plucky 1930s orphan. And then I learned from it.

2) I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, for about 2 years (this is a metaphor referring to the long dark night that was 6th and 7th grade). And then I learned from it.

3) I'm neither the sharpest knife in the drawer nor the dimmest bulb on the block, neither a Washington fat cat nor a moose-hunting hockey mom, neither a PHD nor a get-out-of-jail-free. I'm middle of the road and middle of the gold. I am the most relatable person you will ever meet. Okay, that part might be a gross lie. But politics aside, emphasis belongs here: I'm just a girl, a girl who has experience writing about what she knows, and sometimes singing about it.

3) I'm a proponent of unconventional therapy. I started writing songs in high school and college as an emotional outlet as much as a creative one. I think it's possible for people to get comfort, clarification and even catharsis through unlikely means (see: Rojo the Llama). I want to help people with that search.

4) I think no sincerely-asked question is too silly.

5) Dear Abby, Ask Amy, Carolyn Hax and Prudence all do this same sort of spiel too - and I have read them all faithfully for years. They offer their distinct perspectives on similar dilemmas, and I have learned a thing or two from these giantesses of advisement. I don't always agree with them, and not everyone will agree with me, either. But isn't it fun to hone one's own viewpoint, stances, empathy, walk-in-someone-else's-shoes-ness through asking, reading and problem-solving? I think it is. Oh, and none of these other ladies even occasionally answer queries in song form. Gimmick Win! (Win antonyms: see Fail Blog)

The late John Denver had a few things to say about dealing with these searching questions, in that nature-harmonious and folksy way that I cannot imitate: Looking For Space
lyrics

I hope this helps bolster your confidence, Kid, to ask for what you are seeking.

More soon!

introduction: songs & advice

2010-01-05T11:12:00.007-05:00

Welcome to my side project! As devoted as I am to keeping up on advice columns, and as much joy as I get hashing through, unpacking, and repacking relationship matters with friends, I thought it would be interesting to try my hand on advice disbursement. Also, since my experiences in trying to answer these questions in my own life usually end up as songs (cheap therapy), I will also deliver some advisory tidbits in song form - both songs I write and songs I just like. Let's see what this brings, shall we? Yow. Email your questions to advice@rachelzylstra.com

PS - I may publish your emailed questions in part or in full, but writer anonymity will be preserved.